Being calm isn’t a sign that the trauma never happened. Many times, it is a sign that the trauma was so severe the person had to dissociate to survive. It can also be a sign of resilience and desensitization after enduring too many traumas.

Complex trauma survivors and trauma survivors in general can dissociate during and after the traumatic experience. Their nervous system goes into survival mode and internal resources are used to survive the traumatic event rather than process or heal from it. As a result, they may feel detached from their own bodies or environment. Their brain has essentially tried to protect them from the full horror and impact of the traumatic event. For complex trauma survivors, this dissociation can be a way of life as the traumas they’ve endured tend to be ongoing and persistent. Emotional numbness and the diminished capacity to experience positive emotion are common. This is why people often remark in surprise when it comes to seemingly “calm” trauma survivors who may be in a state of shock or seem centered and in control. Trauma survivors can build up the psychological resilience akin to a sumo wrestler when it comes to life’s harshest adversity. They can build resources, coping strategies, and learn strategies that help them become resilient to traumas over time.  They can also become desensitized to chaos, especially if their nervous system was dysregulated by trauma early in life. However, healing often challenges survivors to re-sensitize themselves to some level of pain so they do not have to continue to tolerate injustices.

High-functioning trauma survivors can be successful overachievers. That doesn’t mean they don’t tackle internal dilemmas every day. In fact, achieving safety can unravel a whole new level of triggers.

Many high-functioning trauma survivors can achieve success and happiness. They can pursue their goals and dreams with fierce determination and can be highly accomplished, especially if their trauma is channeled as a catalyst for thriving. Yet that doesn’t mean their lives go on trigger-free. Triggers are a part of everyday life and can be a challenging, overwhelming part of the healing journey. In fact, achieving a certain level of safety often compels the brain to finally allow some of the traumas experienced to come to the surface because now it finally has the resources to address it whereas before it had to reserve its energy in keeping you alive and safe. That is why you may notice intrusive thoughts, memories, and flashbacks come back with an intensity in times of prolonged peace. Your brain survived a war zone. Now that it’s no longer in danger, it decides it’s ready for some processing and healing.

Sometimes a hypervigilant way of seeing the world isn’t “just” a trauma response but a highly sophisticated radar and system of intuition.

Trauma survivors are accustomed to society dismissing and minimizing their intuition, instincts, and ability to discern and identify toxic people and patterns as a “trauma response.” However, psychologists and researchers note that children who grow up in abusive homes can develop a finely tuned radar for danger. For example, Frankenhuis and colleagues (2013) reviewed research that showed that people with histories of childhood abuse have an enhanced ability to detect threats in their environment and an increased capacity for improved memories specifically when identifying relevant aspects and cues in their environment that point toward danger. This ability surpassed that of their non-traumatized peers. As a result of their “training” in reading the emotional states of others and learning to anticipate incoming danger, high-functioning trauma survivors may be able to pinpoint subtle clues and warnings well ahead of time, especially in the toxic people they encounter. The type of trauma endured also matters: while a combat veteran may have to adapt or unpack triggers relevant to a war zone that are no longer suitable or as relevant at home, a domestic violence or sexual assault survivor may still have valuable “learned” cues of danger that can help her anticipate similar predators in the future. It’s important to process your traumas with a trauma-informed mental health professional and identify whether or not you are experiencing triggers from the past that are unrelated to the present or whether your brain and body remember significant signals of danger that can help you recognize red flags in the present and predict disaster in the future.

How a trauma survivor reacts in one situation may not be how they react in another. This can be due to the situation at hand and different “Inner Parts.”

Trauma survivors themselves may feel especially baffled by the fact that they react in disparate or contradictory ways even across similar situations. That is because trauma creates fragmentation and can result in many different “inner parts.” One inner part may represent the wounded child who experienced the earliest traumas, while another part may be a “fighter” and defender who defends itself against anyone who threatens it. In one situation, a trauma survivor might fight back or leave quickly while in another they might “fawn” and people-please or freeze. Each situation can bring out a different “inner part” and trauma response especially for the complex trauma survivor. Some trauma responses are also more suitable for certain situations – for example, a trauma survivor who usually fights back or flees may find themselves fawning when they encounter a specific predator who they fear retaliation from. This is a strategic survival mechanism and should not be judged. Trauma can also cause a disconnect among emotions, thoughts, memories, sensations, and images; that is why it can be so difficult to create coherent narratives about the traumatic experience until one processes it. Depending on the person and situation and your unique trauma history, you might find yourself reacting very differently across various circumstances.

People are not “perfect” victims when they’ve been traumatized. They won’t always say or do the right thing.

The brain has unique and beautiful mechanisms for surviving trauma, but none of them are perfect nor should trauma victims be expected to be perfect. The ways trauma affect our brains can be complex and nuanced and differ from person to person, but generally speaking, trauma can dampen the parts of our brain that deal with decision-making, learning, memory, reasoning, attention and focus while sending our fight-or-flight responses into overdrive (or alternatively, mobilizing differently through freezing). While early childhood trauma survivors can have certain enhancements in these aspects specifically when it comes to threat-related cues, these parts of their brain may still be affected when it comes to other contexts or situations and are generally affected in trauma survivors overall. Trauma survivors are human and fallible just like anyone else, no matter how high-functioning.  For example, you may have gone a few healthy years avoiding dangerous people. However, after enduring a painful traumatic or life-threatening experience, you may find yourself attached or trauma bonded to a dangerous manipulator shortly after because you sought out relationships as a source of comfort. Or you may have lashed out at bullies or abusers due to chronic maltreatment in ways society didn’t understand and shamed. If so, give yourself grace. You deserve your own compassion. Most of the people judging you likely wouldn’t have been able to deal with the same adversity you did without reacting similarly. You never deserved the trauma you went through, and you don’t deserve any judgment or shame from anyone who has not lived your story. 

Survival and healing don’t always look the way you think it should. Sometimes survival is enough.

It’s true that high-functioning trauma survivors can meet all the milestones of what is seen as a thriving healing journey: in fact, in some cases they can be “wired” to be successful because they’ve learned how to tackle challenge after challenge using their resourcefulness, creativity, and natural talents. Thriving can be defined in many different ways and be multifaceted. Healing can look different for everyone and is personal to every survivor. All trauma survivors should celebrate these milestones, strengths, and successes while also allowing themselves room for safe “play” and relaxation.  They can enjoy what they’ve achieved while also permitting themselves room to grow, make mistakes and also acknowledge their humanity. You are allowed to rest and experience the safety and innocence of a childhood you may not have experienced. You don’t have to do it all, even if you’ve exceeded your own expectations. Sometimes surviving is enough. You are enough.

1. You know they’re deceptive and conniving, but you can’t seem to let go.

You may be a rational, discerning person who sees through all of this person’s mind games and attempts to manipulate you. You may very well know that you’re being unjustly mistreated. You may even hold some unresolved anger and resentment towards this person for violating you. Yet whenever you attempt to leave, this toxic person throws you a few crumbs of affection and you are more than willing to mistake it for the entire loaf of bread. Whenever they’re kind, you doubt yourself. You’re gaslighted into believing that they really do want the best for you, even while they’re busy serving their own self-interest.

2. You do everything to please them and are loyal to a fault, even when they give you nothing in return but pain. 

Despite the fact that this person has terrorized you time and time again, you’ve lost your grasp on reality. They hurt you, time and time again, yet you’re always ready and willing to take them back at the first sign of their remorse or a hint of their attention. Like a frog in slowly boiling water, you’ve grown accustomed to the heat to a point where it’s become deadly. You find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to bend over backwards to meet their needs while neglecting your own. You defend them to others, even when your loved ones try to give you a healthy reality check about who this really person is and the harm they’re causing you. Your loved ones can see how much this person is draining you, physically and mentally. Yet you’re not quite ready to face the truth. You’re committed to investing in the false image of this unhealthy person, rather than confronting the nature of their true self.

3. You feel addicted to them and lose far more than you gain.

You develop an addiction to this person that is not only psychological but biochemical and physiological. Your body, mind and spirit aches for them; your whole world is starting to revolve around them. You lose sleep, time, endless amounts of energy, countless hours and copious days – of explaining yourself to them, of trying to get them to see your perspective, of attempting to get them to reciprocate your efforts, or even just to stop hurting you.

You expend vast amounts of emotional labor trying to make this person a decent human being – rather than recognizing that they may never change. You develop a hyperfocus on what can be done to appease them while foregoing what needs to be done for your basic self-care.

4. You are driven to the brink of self-destruction.

Toxic people drive you to destroy yourself – it is like psychological murder with clean hands. The nature of a trauma bond is that it makes the person unable to see reality or themselves clearly. When you’re in a toxic trauma bond, your self-worth takes a hit and your sense of agency plummets. Self-sabotage becomes an automatic reflex; you’re subconsciously programmed to harm yourself because you’ve been conditioned to believe that you’re not worthy of safety or peace. You feel trapped and develop a sense of learned helplessness. Even if you do have other choices and options, you feel unable or unwilling to take them if it means cutting the cord to the person you’re tethered to.

5. You forget your worth and value – and you’re willing to lower your standards for this toxic individual, time and time again.

Where once you felt confident, self-assured and had a firm grasp on your worth, this person has made you believe that you’re unworthy of attention, affection or respect. They’ve convinced you that you’re not enough and that you have to fight for their approval or to get your basic needs in a relationship met. You’ve been made to feel invisible, pushed to compete with others for their approval, and have been used for their benefit. As a result, you lower your standards and expectations for what constitutes a healthy relationship.

A narcissist’s pathological envy arises from their need to be the best, their excessive sense of entitlement to being the center of attention at all times, with the most fame, wealth, and status. Any threat to their grandiose delusions of grandeur will result in a narcissistic injury, and inevitably, narcissistic rage. This is why narcissists tend to be pompous critics, usually incapable of the same efforts they criticize in others. The success of others evokes their pathological envy, reminding them of what they lack and could never achieve themselves. As a result, they will do anything and everything possible to minimize the accomplishments of those who threaten their false sense of grandiosity and superiority.

Initially, narcissists and otherwise toxic people may claim to be very happy for your success; during the idealization and love-bombing phases of the relationship, they may even excessively congratulate, praise and flatter you. They may use you as a “trophy” to show off to others, gaining status and prestige from simply being associated with you. They have no problem in benefiting from your wealth, your reputation and your various assets. As the relationship moves forward, however, their need to devalue their victims kicks in and their pathological envy and competitiveness becomes more and more apparent. What was once a subtle look of contempt at the sight of your success soon becomes hour-long arguments bashing every aspect of your identity, your dreams, your goals, and any source of joy outside of the realm of the narcissist’s control.

What many people don’t realize is that narcissists don’t just gravitate towards us because of our vulnerabilities; they are also attracted to our assets – and not only because they can exploit those assets for narcissistic supply. Anything you achieve or gain joy from stirs this envy within them and an inexplicable need to win or one-up you at all costs. It also represents a threat to their control over you – after all, if you are gaining happiness and validation from somewhere outside of the narcissist, this means you don’t need them. This strengthens their desire to destroy us and our success in every way possible – so that they can isolate us from other sources of validation while demeaning the very core of who we are.

The starry-eyed admiration followed by anger and envy is a classic case of the type of crazymaking you’re likely to encounter in a narcissist once in the devaluation and discard phases of the relationships. Whatever happiness they seem to project in the idealization stage is merely a facade for the deep contempt they feel for anyone they feel threatened by.

Signs of Pathological Envy in a Malignant Narcissist Can Include Someone Who:

• Praises you highly for your accomplishments initially; uses your accomplishments as a way to associate themselves with you and look good. Likes feeling as if they have the “successful girlfriend” or boyfriend – while simultaneously resenting you for it.
• Competes with you often; if you bring up what you achieved, they have to bring up something bigger or downgrade what you’ve achieved to make you feel small. Nothing you do is truly special or “impressive” – or, it’s really, really special until the narcissist gets tired of praising you and wants to cut you down a thousand pegs or so.
• Highly competitive in any and every context; will be a sore loser in recreational games, sports, or other activities and resort to immature actions to “win” or insult your ability.
• Will accuse you of being arrogant should you happen to share your happiness or present a healthy confidence in your abilities. They are in fact projecting their own sense of arrogance onto you.
• Behind closed doors (or sometimes even out in the open), devalues and minimizes the things they once praised, making them seem unimportant and lacking because they know they would’ve never been able to accomplish those things themselves. They will emphasize the idea that people are against you (projecting the fact that it’s them that is against you), that your contribution isn’t valuable or degrade/ignore accomplishments that are in fact a big deal, all with an innocent or smug look on their face.
• Sabotages important events in your life such as big interviews, projects, deadlines using methods like put-downs, crazymaking arguments that lead to sleep deprivation, pressuring you to spend time with them right beforehand, insulting you, covertly casting doubt onto your abilities and talents, one-upping you and making themselves seem more important, accomplished and talented to stroke their sense of superiority.
• Treats your goals, dreams and interests with contempt or a condescending attitude, all while bringing the conversation back to them.

It is also helpful to keep in mind that a narcissist will often deny they are envious, though their actions clearly say otherwise. They strive very hard to hide their own envy not just from their victims but from themselves, to the point of delusion. Their false sense of superiority and haughty contempt often accompanies their put-downs, subtle digs, minimizing statements and demeaning insults – all of which serve to belittle the victim and make the victim ashamed of succeeding, of feeling joy, of creating new connections, of flourishing – of thriving and owning their power to create a beautiful life.

To resist internalizing the verbal garbage a narcissist may spew at you out of their envy, remember the following: if someone expresses rage and contempt towards you for daring to be proud of yourself (with a healthy level of pride, of course) or loving yourself, your life, and your accomplishments, the problem is not you. It is them.

How to Cope With the Attacks of a Green-Eyed Narcissist

Survivors may struggle with self-sabotage after experiencing a narcissist’s abusive bouts of envy, rage and verbal attacks. They may begin to fear speaking about their accomplishments or their happiness, lest they evoke their narcissist’s wrath. The cutting words of the narcissistic abuser may reverberate in their minds long after the relationship has ended, instilling in them a sense of pervasive self-doubt and worthlessness. Walking on eggshells and disowning your power, however, is no way to live. Survivors have to regain the certainty that the reason they experienced such a pathological reaction was because they were so powerful in the first place.

As I describe in my new book, POWER, it is essential that survivors develop a “toxic people phrases filter” – one in which anything a toxic person says is translated into what it actually means. For example, a narcissist’s degradation of the victim’s goals and dreams can be translated and seen for what it truly is: a sign that the narcissist is attempting to sabotage them, because they recognize what the victim has (whether it be financial assets, talent, a support network, etc.) is valuable. This is how survivors can begin to turn put-downs into power.

Remember: normal, healthy people do not sustain a narcissistic injury or lash out in narcissistic rage when they see other people succeeding and doing well for themselves. Healthy people have enough security and empathy to feel happiness for others, and to witness someone else beaming with authentic pride and self-love – without wanting to destroy it or sabotage it in some way.

You deserve to succeed. You deserve to flourish. You deserve to be abundant. You deserve the support of others who are happy for you and share in your joy. Do not let any green-eyed narcissist rain on your parade, trample over your boundaries and make you feel less than because they sense you are rising above and beyond what they ever could. You owe it to yourself to be powerful and victorious.

See the narcissist’s pathological envy for what it really is: a measure of how powerful you really are and have the potential to become.

1. You’re insecure, jealous, and controlling. 

While empathic people may use this phrase occasionally to call out excessively possessive behavior, narcissists use it to gaslight others and blame them for reacting to their manipulation. Research indicates that narcissistic and psychopathic individuals deliberately engage in jealousy induction, provoking jealousy in their partners for the purposes of power and control. If this phrase is said by a narcissistic person after they have tried to repeatedly provoke jealousy in their partner, deceive or betray them, it is a way to pathologize the victim for having valid reactions to the narcissist’s mistreatment. Narcissists will also use this phrase to depict their victim’s basic questions as interrogation and as “paranoia” to prevent them from discovering the truth. They will also project their own jealousy and possessiveness onto their partners. For example, even if the narcissistic individual regularly interrogates their partners about their whereabouts or keeps in constant contact with them, they will project this onto you as soon as you call them out on their suspicious behavior.

When an empathic person is being subjected to countless outlandish accusations, unwarranted possessiveness, and control despite no evidence of betrayal, the phrase, “You’re insecure, jealous and controlling” may very well be a founded, valid claim. However, in a relationship with a narcissist, this phrase is used to make victims believe that their reactions to their abusive behavior are the problem rather than the abuse itself. If you are feeling chronically insecure, jealous or on-edge in a relationship and do not usually feel this way or have reason to believe your partner is deliberately provoking you, it is important to resist internalizing this accusation and look at the evidence for why you may be feeling this way.

2. My ex was toxic.

When empathic people say this phrase, they’re usually speaking to the reality of an ex-partner who was abusive or mistreated them in some way. When narcissists say this, they are often creating a false narrative about a partner they themselves mistreated and are now mischaracterizing in order to play the victim. The key to identifying the difference is in their patterns of behavior: if they claim their ex was toxic yet frequently engage in crazymaking and manufacture chaos, chances are they’re misrepresenting who was the true instigator of toxicity in their previous relationship.

3. I just need space.

Healthy, empathic people might need space to reset, take time to recharge, or think about an issue more deeply. If an empathic person is in a relationship with a narcissist, they might also need a break from their mistreatment. Narcissistic individuals, on the other hand, use the phrase “I need space” to chronically stonewall their partners and end productive discussions before they’ve even begun, usually to evade accountability for their actions. Narcissistic individuals will even claim they need a “break” from the relationship, only to use that time to pursue more convenient targets.

4. That’s not healthy.

While empathic people may use this phrase to point out unhealthy behavior that harms others or oneself, the narcissist will use this phrase to frame any behavior from others that does not serve them as “unhealthy.” For example, the narcissist might claim that trying to hold them accountable for emotional abuse or asking them basic questions to clarify inconsistencies in their behavior is “unhealthy” or “toxic.” This is a way for them to deter any of your behaviors that don’t cater to their excessive sense of entitlement, and project onto you their own toxicity. It also allows the narcissist to morally grandstand and suggest that they are more “mature” than you, even if their behavior suggests anything but. It convinces you to work on your own unproblematic behavior rather than discern their red flags.

5. How are you? I miss you.

Empathic people use this phrase to check in with loved ones they are consistently attentive to or may have lost touch with organically. Narcissists use this phrase to check in with former partners and friends they want to exploit even after the connection is over. Research indicates that narcissists tend to stay connected with exes for more pragmatic reasons such as sex and access to resources. If a narcissist is the one saying this phrase after mistreating you, it’s likely they only miss the control they once had over you.

6. That’s selfish or immature.

Ironically, when victims decide not to prioritize the narcissist who has been harming them or do not forgive or reconcile with them easily, narcissists consider this to be selfish, vindictive, or immature. Narcissists expect that you be at their beck and call at all times and to allow them to trample on your boundaries. They expect you to prematurely forgive them for heinous transgressions – otherwise you will be labeled self-centered, immature, or vindictive. On the other hand, when a healthy and empathic person calls out selfish behavior, they are usually identifying that someone’s chronic self-centeredness is genuinely harming others.

7. I love you.

Healthy partners use “I love you” as a genuine expression of love and affection. Narcissists use it to control you by using it to love bomb and hook you during the honeymoon stages of the relationship. They also use “I love you” to press the reset button when you are beginning to identify the red flags of the relationship and beginning to detach from them and the trauma bond of the relationship. “I love controlling you” is a more accurate interpretation of this phrase when the narcissist is the one weaponizing it.

8.  Please respect my boundaries.

Empathic people set healthy boundaries that protect themselves from being violated mentally and physically. They may let others know to respect these boundaries. The boundaries of narcissists, on the other hand, can be summed up as, “You’re not allowed to speak up for yourself and stand up to my abuse, and I am allowed to continue engaging in all the behaviors that actively harm you.” When narcissists use this phrase, they are usually defending themselves against their victim’s legitimate reactions to abuse and protecting their own excessive sense of entitlement. For example, a narcissistic cheating spouse may tell their partner to respect “their boundary” by not asking them where they have been when they come home late. This is drastically different from an empathic, faithful spouse who tells their abuser that they need space from their constant rage attacks and sets boundaries to get that reprieve.

9. I just want you to be happy or I want to make you happy.

The narcissist may claim that they want you to be happy throughout the relationship, but in reality, they use this phrase when they are the ones about to do something that makes them happy. They may use this phrase to ensnare their ex-partners back into the toxic relationship by claiming that their partner’s happiness is their priority and that they will do everything to secure it. Or they may use this phrase when they are in pursuit of other victims and need time and space away from their primary partner to do it – thus seemingly wishing their primary partner happiness and expressing their willingness to let go even though they plan to come back.  Healthy, empathic people may let others know they care about the happiness of others, but they will genuinely be willing to let go of people without manipulating them, and authentically contribute to the happiness of others.

10. Leave me alone.

Narcissists use this as a stonewalling phrase to shut down basic conversations where they’re being held accountable or as a way to push away a partner right before instigating a silent treatment. Empathic people use it in contexts where they’re being continually harassed, stalked, and violated.

11. I’ve never had this problem with anyone else.

When narcissists claim this, it is an attempt to depict their partners as defective for daring to defend themselves. This phrase is used to pathologize the reactions of their partners to abuse and convince their partners that they are the only ones who have reacted to this abuse, further isolating them in the abuse cycle and gaslighting them into believing that the narcissist’s behavior was never the problem. When healthy, empathic people say this, they may be genuinely calling out blatant mischaracterizations or issues they are innocent of contributing to. For example, a person who is usually positive and cheerful may say this in response to a narcissist’s claim that they are bitter and negative – a clear falsehood and projection.

Better understanding the context of these phrases can help you recognize when you are being gaslighted and to resist manipulation. It will help you pinpoint if someone’s abuse is causing you to react in specific ways and shift away from excessive self-blame. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to get support. You may want to process your traumas with a mental health professional as you begin the journey of detaching from the narcissist and freeing yourself.

Perhaps, on a smaller but still significant scale, they ruin something their victims are looking forward to. The narcissistic father stumbles drunk into another one of his kid’s birthday parties. The abusive mother prevents her daughter from going to prom after weeks of preparing her beautiful dress. The sadistic boyfriend sabotages his girlfriend’s graduation by breaking up with her the day before, effectively tarnishing a celebration of her accomplishments that she’s been looking forward to for months.

Or, even more deviously, they may set up an elaborate scenario that prepares their victims for failure. They might invite their victims on a romantic getaway, only to spend the time flirting with others on the trip.  They might prepare a birthday celebration for their victims, only to stir up arguments the entire time. They could offer to treat you to a date, just to abandon you on the day of. Usually during an abuse cycle, there are multiple incidents of these covert sabotage attempts.

How does it happen? Why does it happen? And what does it mean for the victims of crimes where the murderers often get away with clean hands?

The art of the subtle sabotage, much like the art of the pity ploy, is used to stage an environment of psychological warfare. It’s a set of manipulations within the abuse cycle that leads to an elaborate game of chess – if chess were an epic, elaborate game of mindfuckery that is. Every step the victim takes, he or she is blocked from getting to the destination. Each move is carefully “watched” and evaluated so the other player can learn to provide a buffer between the victim’s movement and their intended goal.

Subtle sabotage (or any form of sabotage, really) is used for the following:

To stroke the narcissist’s or psychopathic individual’s ego.

If the narcissist or their even more conscienceless cousin, the sociopath or psychopath, feels that they are the puppeteer pulling all the strings, they gain confidence from this. If they can dupe their empathic, eager-to-please victims, they get off on the idea that they are the superior ones. This is also known as “duping delight.”

To grant narcissists a grandiose sense of power.

To the malignant narcissist, it feels good to play God. In fact, a sense of grandiosity is part of their diagnostic criteria. They watch with glee as their victims stumble upon the roadblocks they’ve set up for them or attempt with frustration to keep up with the ever-changing moving goal posts.

To devalue, diminish and provoke their victims into looking like the crazy ones.

How do you make a victim look like the “crazy” one after you abuse them? Well, you make sure to provoke them into reacting, especially in public. Acts of subtle sabotage ensure that victims who speak out will baffle outsiders who are not aware of the covert dynamics taking place within the abusive relationship. Even the strongest of individuals eventually “snap” when subjected to long periods of terrorizing behavior. Psychopathic individuals count on society to make the final judgment on the victim’s credibility based on these reactions to the abuse.

A crestfallen, traumatized victim is unlikely to present a calm, emotionless defense when attempting to explain the abusive behavior – whereas those on the high end of psychopathy lack the normal fear and anxiety responses associated with deception and high-risk activities. Who do you think comes off as the “sane” one in the courtroom, among friends and family, the workplace, or any other context where narcissistic abuse takes place?

In committing subtle sabotage, emotional predators make sure that their victims feel further alienated and isolated due to the covert nature of the abuse. The victims sense they won’t be heard or validated, so they stop speaking out – or never speak at all.

To derive a sense of sadistic pleasure.  

Research has indicated that those on the more malignant end of narcissism tend to derive joy from seeing sad faces. This is not news to anyone who has been a survivor of a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath. They enjoy inflicting pain – to be the cause of it is even more thrilling for them. Sabotage enables them to see their sick and twisted mind games unraveling in real time on the stage of the victim’s life come undone.

What To Do When You’ve Been Sabotaged

If you’ve been sabotaged – whether subtly or overtly by a malignant narcissist, know that it is not your fault. You were chosen because you had beautiful and brilliant qualities that were used against you.

These predators don’t have as much fun breaking down an already weak target – they choose healthy, strong, vibrant individuals who emit the light that they are drawn to. They love seeing that light enshrouded in their darkness. Remember that many of these individuals are pathologically envious and despise seeing you shine.

You cannot win by playing them at their own game. To play on their level would require a severe deficiency of empathy or remorse that will only turn you into the very monsters you seek to slay. Instead, you must use your experiences to build your inner wisdom, knowledge, resources and self-validation. You must “play” at a whole different level by not playing against them at all, but rather using everything you have to survive and thrive instead. Stand in the truth of who you really are and what happened to you. Use everything they did to you as motivation and fuel to flourish.

You must build organic support systems and networks outside of them – networks they cannot touch. You must continue to showcase the talents and gifts in ways they could not stifle, even if they tried. You must use these experiences not to stoop to their level, but to catapult yourself into greater heights.

You must use what you’ve learned for your highest good and the greater good. Your experiences, your stories – can collectively lead to change, to revolution, to increased awareness. Exposing how these manipulation tactics work to destabilize victims can potentially change lives and expose predators working underhandedly in our midst.

So, as counterintuitive as it may sound, the solution lies in not in “hiding” so you no longer become a target. It’s in shining a light on their darkness, while continuing to shine brightly. To let these toxic individuals take away what you love most would be to give them the very essence of yourself.

When I suggest that survivors become the narcissist’s nightmare, what I mean is that they learn how to become what monsters most fear – an individual so grounded in their integrity, strength and power that nothing – not even a conniving, selfish, plotting narcissist – can stop them.

Checkmate.

This includes physical, emotional, and interpersonal clutter which only serves to detract you from focusing on your personal growth. Self-care and self-love require the space and energy to expand yourself, improve yourself, and to reach higher levels of spiritual and psychological well-being. You can’t achieve this by allowing unnecessary excess in your life.

Clean the physical spaces where you live, because physical clutter can affect your mindset every day. An organized, tidy living space can do wonders for your mood and help you to complete tasks more quickly because everything has its place. Cut the toxic interactions with people you don’t need in your life which are only bringing you down. Stop allowing negative people to take up the space in your mind, heart and soul — they don’t belong there and the ruminations you’re engaging in over them are virtually useless. Refine your to-do list — stop trying to do a million things every day and instead, prioritize the main tasks which are most important to you and closest to what you value in life.

Remember, quality beats quantity when it comes to self-care, so invest only in relationships and friendships that make you happier, pursue only the goals that are true to your deepest desires, and save your energy and talent for those worthy of you.

2. Give yourself unconditional love every day, no matter what.

Unfortunately, no one can really give this to you except yourself. Human beings, while capable of extraordinary love and compassion for others, still love others conditionally. When I say unconditional love, I truly mean unconditional, unlimited, infinite love. It may seem impossible to achieve, but do the best you can to love yourself regardless of whatever circumstances you may have in your career, relationships, status, power, finances, and so forth.

I highly recommend reading the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant to understand how to enter into a mindset of self-love with a simple mantra. Loving yourself unconditionally also means loving all of you — your flaws, your strengths, your secrets, your weaknesses. Every part of you is important, unique, and worthy of love. When you give yourself unconditional love, you find yourself recognizing people who don’t give you the full acceptance you deserve, which makes it easier to clean out the interpersonal clutter as mentioned above.

3. Take care, holistically.

Creating a balance between work and play is essential to maintaining holistic self-care. Don’t focus just on one aspect of your life when it comes to self-care. Energize your body, nourish your spirit, and enlighten your mind. Meditation is important for your spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being. Yoga, Pilates, dance cardio, and running are great ways to get into shape and improve your mood. Eating mindfully will also help you to achieve optimal levels of energy and fitness while making your body less vulnerable to disease.

Writing, reading, and taking classes that interest you will keep your mind sharp, alert, and always learning. Don’t forget to maintain an active social life in the form of healthy relationships and friendships, as these are essential psychosocial resources that will serve as a crucial source of support and enhance your enjoyment of life.

4. Have high standards and stick to them.

Self-respect is crucial to self-care because it protects you from settling for less when you deserve the best. This is toxic to how you view yourself and how you allow others to treat you, your values and your boundaries. If you allow others to trample over your expectations constantly, you’re debasing your worth and chopping away at your self-esteem.

You might be afraid that if you have high standards for yourself, people might perceive you as a high-maintenance person and even abandon you in the process. Let them. It doesn’t matter — in fact, it’s probably a good thing that they do abandon you and reveal their true colors. At the end of the day, your opinion of yourself and what you deserve is all that truly matters in life.

Having high standards in your career and relationships protect you in the long-run from scammers, emotional predators, and exploiters from sucking you dry and leaving you drained. Think of things that fall below your standards as a bad business deal. You’re not getting what you need and want out of it, but the person on the other side is. It’s not worth the investment if someone else is benefiting from the positive return.

5. Pursue your true passions.

Life is too short to waste your energy by allocating resources into goals that are not truly your own. Caring for ourselves means remaining authentic and recognizing our true passions. Don’t be pressured into picking a certain career path just because society says it’s the right one for you; don’t always settle for crappy jobs just because they’ll pay the rent; don’t pursue a major just because of its financial rewards unless it’s something that really interests you.

Sometimes you will have to make do with what you have in order to survive, but be sure you’re still looking for ways to improve yourself and progress to something better and something that represents your true calling. For example, if you’re a waiter who dreams of writing the next big screenplay, continue working on it when you have the time. Setting aside time to pursue your dreams is important because these are things no one can take away from you. You own the right to all of your dreams and the ability to make them come to life.

The key is to still be practical, but also to be passionate. You were not meant to live this life doing just what is required to survive; you were meant to live life chasing your dreams. Don’t be afraid of failure, because failure is a learning experience that will strengthen you and prepare you to do better in the future.

Would you rather sit around and live in the regret of not knowing what would’ve happened if you had tried, or would you rather lead an exciting life by taking on risks and challenges that will ultimately lead you to what you were meant to do?

It’s okay to explore multiple interests and talents; you don’t have to limit yourself to one pursuit. However, if you do have that one dream that’s been pulling at your heartstrings, start chasing it now. If you want to write a book, start by writing a blog or start writing the chapters to the book. If you want to go back to school, start looking up different programs.

Take small steps today to start paving the path to tomorrow. Achieving long-term goals and big dreams are possible so long as you put the effort into making them happen. The most successful people I know are not just passive dreamers; they are active chasers who make an effort every day in order to accomplish their goals.

6. Minimize people-pleasing.

Nobody wins when it comes to people-pleasing, except a person on the receiving end that’s out to exploit you. Our tendency to people-please takes away from our authentic self, drains us of our energy, and deprives us of our ability to take care of ourselves in meaningful ways. By creating falsehoods in our relationships and interactions with others, we detract from who we were meant to be and pigeonhole ourselves into being who we’re not just to please others.

Be confident that who you are and the things you you want, feel, and experience are completely valid. You don’t have to change to gain someone else’s approval; if someone disapproves of you, that’s okay. Rejection is not about your self-worth — it’s about another person’s wants, needs and preferences. Don’t see it as a selfish thing to honor your true self; it’s not selfish, it’s self-care and self-love.

7. Be mindful.

Many of us go through life mindlessly and this detracts from our experience of present joy. This mindlessness is exacerbated by our fast-paced, technologically advanced society. We are so absorbed in social media and the buzz of our phone that we forget to appreciate the everyday, simple pleasures that come our way. The humming of the birds, the color of the sky, the beauty of someone’s smile, the colorful and delicious food in front of us — these are all things we should be mindfully enjoying, and neuroscience research supports that mindfulness can enhance the parts of our brains that contribute to better emotional regulation.

Being attentive, aware and alert to our surroundings and the present moment is vital to experiencing each moment of life more fully and enhancing its joy. So make sure to take at least a couple of hours each day where you release yourself from the distractions of technology and enjoy nature, be engaged with whomever you’re with, and immerse yourself in the conversation you’re having.

If you need help in doing this, start writing in a journal about the various things you observed during the day and how attentive you were to them. It takes practice to be more mindful in everyday life, but it’s a worthy practice since it greatly enhances your experience of life’s everyday moments.

8. Cultivate a lifelong habit of gratitude and abundance mindset.

Being grateful shouldn’t be set aside for the holidays; it should be a way of life. Think of gratitude as another important component of mindfulness and as a lifelong habit that should be practiced every day. It teaches you to be mindful of the things you take for granted every day, from basic things like your ability to see and walk to the bigger accomplishments like having a good job, access to education or a supportive network of friends.

Whether during times of strife or times of bliss, it’s helpful to write in a gratitude journal and take note of all the things you have in your life — remember, these are the same things that other people may be praying for.

9. Give back to the world you live in.

Remember how we talked about your unique talents and goals? This is one of the best incentives for exploring them. You are part of a larger world that needs your help. Whether it’s through volunteering, research, activism, teaching, there are a myriad of ways to give. Find creative and engaging ways to help others whenever possible, whether its sharing resources or investing your time and energy into a cause you care about.

You are here for a purpose and that purpose is tied to benefiting this world in positive ways. As you learn to love and care for yourself better, you’ll also have more positive energy, love and compassion to give to those around you. Embrace your destiny and change the world.

10. Honor and validate your feelings. All of them.

As someone who would qualify as a HSP (highly sensitive person), I know how tough it can be to honor and validate your feelings in a world that’s becoming highly desensitized to emotions and meaningful relationships. However, this last self-care commandment is perhaps the most important one of all. If you can’t honor and validate your own emotions, you’ll allow others to belittle and invalidate them, which means you’re permit toxic people to enter your life without thinking twice.

You’ll make yourself vulnerable to gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, and abuse. You’ll settle for less because you believe that your feelings don’t matter. Guess what? They do. You have to live with your emotions every day. That’s why it is so vital that you learn to honor them.

Validate every emotion you have, even if you think it’s inappropriate or “wrong” somehow. Emotions aren’t meant to be rational, by the way. They are meant to be signals that provide information about situations you’re experiencing or thoughts that you’re having. Honoring and validating your emotions means telling yourself, “It’s okay that I have these feelings. It’s valid that I have them. These emotions are telling me something about this experience. Now I have a choice on how to react to them.”

You don’t have to make your decisions based on your emotions alone, but you should consider them in the decision-making process when it comes to relationships, friendships and personal goals. Honor your feelings and you’ll honor yourself. | For more work like this, check out my book on manifesting self-love and abundance, Powerful Alchemy.

The dark feminine is code for rebirth, female empowerment, shadow work, and owning your power. It is associated with dark feminine goddesses like Hecate and Lilith. Here are some powerful signs you’ve entered your dark feminine era:

You’ve tapped into your anger and shadow side strategically to heal and defend yourself. 

Society may have conditioned you to be demure, polite, and quiet, but when you’ve entered your dark feminine era, all bets are off. You’re no longer afraid of your anger and you’re not afraid to use it constructively to benefit yourself and your goals. You look at your suppressed emotions and traumas, even the ones society calls taboo, with compassion and understanding. You use it to motivate you toward achieving your greatest dreams. You give grace to your inner child and become everything that child ever needed—a protector, a defender, a fighter, an encourager. Being in touch with your sacred primal rage in response to injustice is just one step to owning your true power and setting the boundaries you deserved to have all along.

You’re an alchemist and turn everything into gold.

You’ve become a master manifester. That’s because by merging the light and dark sides of yourself, you’ve become more integrated and whole. As a result, you may find yourself achieving massive abundance. Entering your dark feminine era is all about transmutation. The most powerful women are the ones who use everything meant to destroy them to fuel their greatest victories. When you’re fully in your power, you’llget to have the decadent experience of watching the tables turn—even after a life of adversity.

Narcissists and other toxic people are now scared of you instead of the other way around. 

Narcissists and otherwise toxic people may seem hesitant to approach you because they sense you’d be too discerning and difficult to manipulate. When you’re in your dark feminine era, you’re inevitably intimidating to those who want to manipulate you into settling for less and those who want you to underestimate your worth. They sense your cutthroat confidence is deep and unwavering. In your dark feminine era, you prioritize yourself.

You’ve stopped being the “good girl.”People pleasing is a no-go.

When you’ve entered your dark feminine era, you begin honoring yourself as sacred. You recognize your own divinity and have no need to place others or their needs on a pedestal. Instead, you ensure that your boundaries and standards are air-tight and have reverence for yourself. You celebrate your good qualities and own your imperfections. You evaluate who is truly worthy of being in your life. You no longer wait for approval. You put yourself on the pedestal and approve of yourself.

You’re ruthless—in a good way.

Think Arya Stark from Game of Thrones energy—without all the literal bloodshed of course.You no longer hold back when it comes to pursuing your goals, dreams, mission—and justice. You’re not above being someone’s karma if it means they get a well-deserved lesson on how to treat others. As far as you’re concerned, you’re just balancing the scales of the universe and protecting the most vulnerable in society from harm.   

You are in control of your sexuality and harness it powerfully.

The dark feminine era is connected to the seductive femme fatale archetype we all know and love. But entering your dark feminine era means that you use your sexuality in a way that fully empowers you—not as a resource exploited by others. You make your own pleasure and safety a priority and harness your sexuality productively to create and connect with those who nurture you.  

You have detached from toxic relationships and friends.

You find yourself detaching from toxic people, friends, and family members who no longer serve your growth. These are the same envious friends and partners who have been holding you back all along and asking you to shrink for their convenience. Now you understand that you have every right to take up space.

You don’t tolerate bullshit—from anyone, no matter who they are.

You’re not afraid of being perceived as being selfish by toxic people and you’re willing to be alone if it means you get to honor yourself. You’re not afraid of challenging authority and social norms. You’re okay with being the “villain” in the true villain’s story because you find validation within. For you, it is more important to be faithful to yourself and your core values than to bend to a society or system that seeks to subdue you.  

You speak up for yourself and stand up to injustice.

You find yourself using your voice more than you ever did in the past. You now advocate for yourself in areas where you previously abandoned or neglected yourself and your needs. Whether or not the perpetrators of harm take accountability, you know your worth and you know you have the right to defend and protect yourself.  

You exude a confident and magnetic “royalty”energy.

A queen doesn’tsettle for less and the dark feminine era is no different. You are magnetic to amazing opportunities and people because you finally knowthat youalways have been andare completely worthy and enough. You fully embody and express yourself, celebrating your talents, gifts, accomplishments, inner and outer qualities without shame or regret. This is not hubris: it’s healthy pride. You’ve woken up to the truth of the true power you possess within you to create your reality and tone who you are on your own terms- and there’s no going back.

The Red Herring Test.

A narcissistic person lacks empathy and is willing to use whatever vulnerability they sense you have against you in order to exploit you. If you throw out a “red herring,” a false clue as to what triggers, fears, or wounds you may have, no matter how big or small, you will find that the narcissist will deliberately use this against you. For example, you may be very confident about your figure, but if you tell someone you suspect is toxic that you are insecure about it, you can bet that they will suddenly start to pick at your weight. With the red herring test, you can compel the narcissist to reveal themselves and their true nature early on so you can exit the relationship safely.

The Envy and Covert Sabotage Test.

Narcissists are pathologically envious of anyone with talents, achievements, beauty, personality traits, or popularity that surpasses theirs. Research supports that they have malicious envy – the type of envy that causes them to go out of their way to try to sabotage the people who have what they covet. That is why, if you disclose an achievement, a big interview or meeting, or any type of cause of celebration, you must watch closely for their reaction. You can choose to use a red herring here too; for example, mention that you have an interview coming up but rather than saying the actual date of the interview, suggest it is the next morning. A true narcissist will usually instigate a crazymaking argument, attempt to sabotage the interview, make you lose sleep or make a minimizing or otherwise covertly cruel comment right before they think this event is coming up. This will expose their motives and need to sabotage you, and you will be able to opt out of the relationship before it escalates.

The Boundary or Bare Minimum Test.

 While the narcissist is effusively charming during the love bombing stage, they are absolutely ruthless during the devaluation stage of the relationship. If you are having doubts as to whether or not a narcissist is love bombing you in a superficial manner or genuinely interested, it can be helpful to use the boundary or bare minimum test. You may set a boundary and see how they react to it or ask them to meet certain expectations (usually the bare minimum). For example, you may say you cannot go out one night when you’re usually always available because you’re tired, or you might ask them to text you when they get home one night if you usually don’t. If they lash out in rage or overstep your boundary, you know that at the very least you may be dealing with a toxic person who is not compatible with you. If they punish, stonewall, verbally abuse, or gaslight you when you ask for the bare minimum, or give you an ultimatum, you know that at the very least you are dealing with someone who cannot even meet basic standards of communication or accountability. You deserve more than toxic relationships. You deserve freedom, healing, and thriving.

According to researcher Dr. Gottman, there are “four men of the apocalypse” or four communication styles in a relationship that can predict its inevitable demise. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions.

In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin.

Withdrawing from a partner like this can be extremely damaging to a relationship over time. As researcher Dr. Paul Schrodt (2013) discovered, this demand-withdraw pattern in relationships, in which one partner withdraws and the other partner becomes increasingly demanding in response, can cause anxiety, depression and further conflict within a relationship. While some partners (especially male partners) tend to use stonewalling to avoid conflict, what happens is that it actually causes more emotional friction.

Stonewalling: An Example

Let’s say that Mary is concerned with the way that her partner, Tom, has been treating her recently. He has been neglecting her and criticizing her constantly. She attempts to bring it up to him during dinner, only to be met with his stony silence. He gaslights her and tells her she’s overreacting. When she tries to explain herself, he abruptly says, “I am done!”

Shortly after, he leaves the dinner table, exits the apartment without another word and refuses to answer her subsequent phone calls. The conversation hasn’t even had a chance to begin before it’s already over. He returns her call the next day and acts as if nothing has happened. When Mary tries to bring up the incident, he tells her, “You should speak to your therapist about this,” and hangs up on her without waiting for her response.

In this scenario, Tom yet again stonewalls her, emotionally invalidates her and rudely redirects the conversation, unwilling to address the issues at hand even as they continue to build beneath the surface. This causes more distress to Mary and unnecessary tension and trauma. Had he actually taken the time to address her concerns, however, the outcome could’ve been far more productive and peaceful.

Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand. After the victim has been stonewalled, the other person is treated to a form of silence that is deafening. Yet the silent treatment can also occur without warning or stonewalling as well.

In an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the silent treatment and stonewalling are manipulative tactics embedded within the abuse cycle. In the beginning of the cycle, the narcissist may love-bomb their victim and idealize them, giving them excessive amounts of attention to win them over.

In the devaluation phase of the relationship, the tables are turned and the victim is provoked into trying to “win over” the narcissist. The toxic partner abruptly withdraws from their victim, unwilling to respond for a period of time with little to no explanation whatsoever. This silent treatment causes their partner excessive anxiety, fear and a persistent sense of self-doubt. The narcissist thrives off of the power and control they feel as they continue to pull the strings of the victim like a master puppeteer.

In the context of an abusive relationship, both techniques are deliberately used as control tactics – ways to intimidate, belittle and demean the victim into feeling insignificant. When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it’s a way to devalue you and make you feel invisible. It provokes you into reacting so that you are prone to doing whatever you can to gain back their attention and approval.

“In relationships, stonewalling is the emotional equivalent to cutting off someone’s oxygen.  The emotional detachment inherent to stonewalling is a form of abandonment and the effect that it has on a spouse is dramatic.

The initial feelings of terror – which are usually below the water line of awareness – are typically followed by secondary feelings of anger and, then, aggressive efforts to get some emotional reaction – any emotional reaction – even a negative one.  And when these efforts fail, the internal response for your spouse is predictable.  He doesn’t care.  He doesn’t love me.  He’s left me.” – Jeffrey J. Pipe, Psy.D, Stonewalling vs. Empathy

Although stonewalling appears to place an end to communication, it actually speaks volumes and communicates something quite cruel to the person on the receiving end. Regardless of the intention of the person doing the stonewalling, this behavior communicates to their partner the following: “You’re not worth responding to. Your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me.”

The Psychological Effects of Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment and stonewalling can have actual effects on the brain. Research indicates that such behaviors are a form of ostracism which activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the same part of the brain that detects physical pain.

Being ignored can leave someone feeling injured – literally. These effects can linger powerfully for the victim, causing fresh abandonment wounds and reinforcing old ones. 

“Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.” – Dr. Kipling Williams, Purdue University

While stonewalling can happen occasionally even in healthy relationships as a defense mechanism or coping method for conflict, it has harmful implications when it is used chronically as an abuse tactic by a toxic partner, such as a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath.

Occasionally in a relationship, someone might want a “break” from communicating to cool off. When that happens, both partners communicate that this is what they need. They do so in a manner that is both respectful and considerate.

Stonewalling by a narcissistic partner, however, is different. It is callous, cold and charged with manipulative intent. Toxic partners like these use stonewalling as a way to further their abuse and to cause their victims intense emotional pain. Normal, healthy partners might stonewall as a way to get out of conflict, but toxic and manipulative partners do so as a way to one-up their victims and provoke them into losing emotional control.

So long as the victim is driven to “win back” the toxic person, the stonewaller is able to continue to ignore the victim’s needs while the victim doubles their efforts to please them.

What To Do If You’re Being Stonewalled

If you’re being stonewalled in an abusive relationship and have tried to communicate your feelings to no avail, realize that the problem is not you. If this is a chronic problem, step away from the self-blame and stop walking on eggshells in an attempt to please a partner who refuses to be pleased. A toxic person’s communication patterns cannot be changed unless that person is willing to change them.

While stonewalling can be improved in the context of healthier relationships where both partners are willing to work on dysfunctional patterns, in an unhealthy relationship with a pathological partner, self-care is paramount. You have to learn when it is time to walk away and detach from this person. Otherwise, you’re just feeding into their sick mind games.

When a narcissist stonewalls you or subjects you to the silent treatment, they want you to respond. They want you to chase after them and “beg” for their attention. They want to provoke you. They want to control and diminish you.

Rather than continuing to try to win back their attention or approval, reevaluate whether this relationship is one worth fighting for at all. If someone is giving you the silent treatment, use it as a period of “freedom” to reassess how you can better care for yourself and get the support you need to move forward from their toxicity.

A person who truly cares for you would make an effort to meet your needs, not neglect them. You deserve to be seen, not silenced. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your needs are acknowledged and your voice is heard.

Do I want to be married because I want a wedding and the social status that comes with being married or because I want a marriage with a partner who is truly compatible with me?

Women are taught to idealize the day they get married rather than think strategically about who they marry and what marriage itself will realistically look like. Yet some longitudinal research shows that the benefits of marriage may differ for women and men. Certain mental health and physical health factors stabilize or decline for both men and women after transitioning into marriage, with women showing a sharper decline. While men tend to experience an increase in life satisfaction after getting married, women tend to experience greater psychological distress and a sharper decrease in life satisfaction transitioning into and after getting married; men also tend to reap more health benefits overall. A review of the research literature by Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo showed that for both men and women, getting married only results in a slight increase in life satisfaction after the wedding, then continues to decline; this was shown in a meta-analytic review by Luhmann and colleagues (2012) as well as a 16-year longitudinal study of 11,429 adults by Kalmijn (2017) which captured this “honeymoon effect.” Luhmann and colleagues analyzed studies totaling 65,911 people and discovered that life satisfaction decreased over the following months after marriage. Kalmijn also noted this honeymoon effect in their study of 11,429 adults which showed an increase in depressive feelings and a decrease in life satisfaction as the marriage continues, with a surprisingly negative effect on health. In addition, their study revealed that women tended to experience a less negative effect from divorce on their life satisfaction than men did, suggesting that women may fare better in their well-being when they do exit the marriage. Another longitudinal study of 12,373 adults did not find that married people became healthier after becoming married unless they were in very long marriages surpassing ten years (Tumin, 2017). In summary, marriage likely won’t save you or your relationship if you aren’t already happy and healthy to begin with.

Unless you’re a man who tends to benefit from the additional domestic and emotional labor that wives are traditionally expected to take on, marriage isn’t going to drastically improve your life – in fact, depending on the partner you choose, it may actually add to your stress levels and burdens. You must ask yourself: is the person I am considering a potential lifelong partner someone who shares my core values, is genuinely attentive and generous, and emotionally stable – someone who has proven through their behavior and long-term actions that they are committed to me? Is this a partner who has good character, empathy and respect for me and others? Would they still be a good co-parent and respectful ex-partner even if we got divorced? Unless you are with a high-quality man who intends to take on more of the domestic responsibilities or be a provider, the benefits of marriage to men and women remain unequal. This may be one of the reasons why single and childfree women tend to be one of the happiest, wealthiest and healthiest subgroups in society and can even experience greater psychological growth according to research. You should know that you are not missing out on money, health, or happiness if you choose to take a different route. Social factors matter, too. If you are evaluating your life satisfaction based on the fact that you are praised by society for being married, you may overestimate your life satisfaction while not taking into account the satisfaction of your relationship or the true nature of your partner. Some women may find that when answering this question, they realize that they’re more into the idea of an engagement, the wedding day, and the social status of having a committed relationship rather than marriage itself.

Do I want to be married because I truly intend to choose a high-quality partner for life, or because I require validation from friends and family that I am now a “true” adult and will get married no matter what, even if it means I am settling for less?

Piggybacking off this last question, people may rush into marriage because they feel pressured to complete a traditional milestone they associate with adulthood and feeling “chosen,” even if it means being chosen by a toxic partner who will end up depleting you of your health, energy, and resources. They want to feel validated by their friends and family (especially if they were raised in a culture that emphasizes marriage and children) that they’re not missing out and lagging behind in some way. But being an adult has little to do with your relationship status or childrearing status. You are also an “adult” when you pursue your dreams, build a thriving career, graduate from school, create meaningful friendships, go to therapy, buy a house or apartment, learn to break your unhealthy and destructive patterns, and change the world. There are many ways to grow in life besides getting married and having children. In fact, some may feel their life got more stagnant once they were overwhelmed by the additional responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. Write down what you think marriage and parenthood will allow you to do that you feel you cannot achieve in other ways. Then, next to this list, write down other alternative ways you can fulfill those same needs or what you deem to be the “costs” of parenting and marriage (e.g. a supportive network of friends can be more nourishing than a toxic partner; I will sacrifice half of my life to raising my children because kids will be my priority and I will have to devote enormous amounts of time and energy to them) as well as what you can do more freely if you choose not to get married or have children (e.g. I can travel the world with more freedom; I can focus on my education and career with more ease). You’ll likely discover that while marriage and parenthood provide unique experiences, they are hardly the only ways to be fulfilled, and there are also many benefits to staying single or childfree. This is a great way to consider all your options before you decide.

Do I want to have children because I genuinely want to be a parent no matter how difficult it is? Or because it is expected of me and because I want to live through my children who I believe are responsible for “fulfilling” me and taking care of me?

People who are on the fence about parenthood may think they’re just “underestimating” how rewarding it will be and overreacting about the potential hardships. In fact, it’s the opposite. Many people feel unprepared for all the responsibilities of parenthood and do not realize everything they are sacrificing until it’s too late because of societal pressures. It’s a myth that parents never regret parenthood; they may genuinely love and cherish their children and find aspects of their lives very rewarding, but still acknowledge that it was far harder than they expected and grieve for the life they had before. For example, there are nearly 90,000 people on the subreddit known as “Regretful Parents,” who candidly share their true perspectives and difficulties in their parenting experiences: and these are just the English-speaking people who are willing to admit it. You may find parenthood rewarding and be fully prepared for the difficulties that are ahead: just ensure you know the true motives for why you want to be a mother or father. It’s wise not to expect to live through your children vicariously. Children are not objects to be raised with the narcissistic idea that they will fulfill or take care of you; the best parents know how to cultivate a child’s autonomy and individuality.  Carrying on your legacy shouldn’t be the only reason you bring a child into this world and you should take the steps to ensure your child doesn’t grow up with toxic conditioning or hostile, chaotic environments that will only carry on generational trauma. You should also be financially and emotionally prepared for childrearing and be able to give your children a loving home (this includes not marrying an abuser).

Am I prepared for the worst when it comes to both marriage and children?

When we think about marriage and children, we are conditioned to think about only the perceived rewards and never the potential costs – or how these costs can be different for men and women. Think of the old adage of a true marriage implying that you will be with one another “through sickness and health.” Unfortunately, this wedding vow doesn’t translate as well in real-life contexts for women as it does for men. Studies show that while women tend to stay by the side of their husbands during illness to help them pull through, men tend to abandon women during life-threatening health issues. Some women get cheated on during or shortly after pregnancy after devoting months of their life and risking their health in bearing a child or after years of being a stay-at-home mom who devotes her whole life to raising her children and being a “good wife.” The number one risk to pregnant women in the United States according to research is being murdered by their partners – moreso than  the three leading obstetric causes such as high blood pressure disorders, hemorrhage, or sepsis. You cannot truly know whether the person you marry will turn out to be a narcissistic abuser and serial cheater who puts your life and well-being at risk or whether the children you have will present with health issues that you will assist with through your entire life. You have to be prepared for anything when it comes to these life decisions. If you think the potential rewards outweigh the potential costs, have prepared yourself for both the rewards and pitfalls of parenthood and believe you’ve found a high-quality partner, marriage and parenthood may be fulfilling for you personally. However, if you feel you are rushing into these decisions because of your social conditioning rather than your authentic desires and values, it may be time to slow down and reevaluate.