1. You clicked immediately.

There was truly no awkwardness when you first met one another. You both felt an immediate connection upon meeting and were riffing off one another from the first day. It was almost like you were meant to become friends.

2. You’re interested in the same things.

As you grew closer, you began to realize how much you two have in common. For example, maybe you both adore poetry or perhaps you share a mutual love for romantic comedies. Whatever the case, you enjoy spending time together, bonding over your many shared interests.

3. You match each other’s energy.

You are both always on the same wavelength and match each other’s energy with absolute precision. You’re able to riff off each other’s jokes with ease. You can exist in comfortable silence together. You can even communicate without saying anything at all (i.e. giving each other the Let’s Go Home Look at a party).

4. You feel safe in each other’s presence.

There’s a true sense of safety when it comes to one another. You just bring each other peace. There is no drama, there is no tension, there is no anxiety. Just utter platonic bliss.

5. There is reciprocity.

You show up for them and they show up for you. You support each other in a balanced and healthy way. There isn’t any resentment or keeping score because there is complete reciprocity when it comes to your friendship.

6. You are loyal to one another.

You have an unbreakable bond, one that withstands petty arguments or even major disagreements. You can’t imagine life without them, and they can’t imagine life without you, so you both are committed to doing the work to make your friendship last.

7. You feel like you’ve known them for longer than you actually have.

It’s almost as if you knew each other in a past life and happened to find them in the this one. You consider this person to be more than a friend; they’re your platonic soulmate.

So, you give him more time. You remain patient and understanding. You pick up the slack. You plan the dates, initiate conversations, listen to his problems, and wait for him to be “ready” for a more serious relationship. You compromise and compromise and compromise until you eventually have no room left to bend.

Here’s the truth: In a way, it is you. But not because you’re the problem but because you’re settling for less than you deserve. You’re putting up with receiving the bare minimum or less because you’re in love with the idea of who he could be, not who he truly is.

If he wanted to give you more, he would. If he wanted to make a serious commitment, he would. If he wanted to give you more than the bare minimum, he would.

So, save the paragraph text because the best response to a bare minimum man is going no contact. No contact takes away his power. No contact takes away his chance to sweet talk you into staying. No contact gives you the chance to find the person who is worthy of you and your time. Revoke his access to you because he doesn’t deserve it.

Please stop wasting your breath on men who only waste your time. Go where you’re appreciated, not taken for granted. Go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated. Your heart will thank you.

As such, here are four concrete signs you have a fear of vulnerability.

1. You have major walls up.

You’re extremely closed off and have a very difficult time being open with others, especially emotionally. You constantly hold pieces of yourself back and never say how you truly feel. You make sure to never reveal too much about yourself because you don’t trust other people to hold what you say with care. After all, they haven’t before. Why would you risk getting hurt again?

2. You keep everyone at an arm’s length.

You do this because it just feels “safer.” But you have to admit, it gets pretty lonely, too. But no matter how close you may want to be with someone else, you just can’t get yourself to bridge the distance. It feels too scary and painful.

3. You’re a perfectionist.

You’re absolutely terrified of making mistakes. Not only that, you will do everything you can to be “perfect” because you think that this will keep you safe and secure. After all, someone can’t reject perfection, right?

4. You’re afraid of people leaving you behind.

Finally, if you have a fear of vulnerability, you also most likely struggle with abandonment issues as well. These abandonment issues may present in a number of different ways. For example, you may try to be the perfect friend (see point three). Or perhaps you always leave before you have the opportunity to be left, especially when you feel yourself starting to let your walls down.

***

Vulnerability is necessary for loving and sincere connection and relationships. To be vulnerable means to be open with your emotions, your heart, and yourself. To be alive is to be vulnerable. And if you hold yourself back from experiencing true vulnerability, you also prevent yourself from living your fullest and most authentic life.

However, if you have an an anxious attachment style, ghosting will feel even more devastating. After all, getting ghosted it is your worst fear coming true: being abandoned by someone you love.

Ghosting will make all of your insecurities rise to the surface. You will begin to doubt yourself and you will question your self-worth. But mostly, you will blame yourself for the relationship’s abrupt ending. You will take the lack of closure as an indictment of your character and treatment you deserve. You will internalize it all and it will ache.

You might try to convince them to come back first. You might try to fix what you believe you broke by sending another text, apologizing for whatever you think you messed up. And when they leave you on read once again, you will sink into a deep shame that you ever tried reaching out at all.

But you need to not let the ghosting break you. You must understand that them ghosting you is not a reflection of your heart. If anything, it’s about them and their comfort level with confrontation and clear communication. Ghosting was their behavior and it was their choice. You have no control over that.

That said, you do need to reckon with the fact that you have placed all of your worth in someone else’s hands. Because no matter how stable a relationship may be, giving away your sense of self to anyone will always be one of the most self-destructive things you can ever do.

While you heal, you must focus your relationship with yourself. You will need to learn self-love, maybe even for the first time. You will have to rebuild your self-trust and practice endless self-care.

It will take time and effort, but you will feel better one day. And maybe, just maybe, you might even be grateful the ghost walked away in the first place. Because in the end, they gave you a gift: the opportunity to finally come home to yourself.

1. You suppress your thoughts and emotions.

At its core, self-gaslighting is emotional and cognitive suppression. Self-gaslighting is pushing away your valid emotional experiences and interpretations. Here is how Healthline explains it:

For example, let’s say that someone says something insensitive or hurtful. You might notice that your feelings were hurt, but then — almost instantly and impulsively — you think: ‘I am probably just making too big a deal out of it and being too sensitive.‘

What’s ‘Self-Gaslighting’ and How Do I Unlearn It? by Rachel Otis on Healthline

This suppression then leads to you internalizing the belief that your own perception cannot be trusted. Which brings us to the next sign of self-gaslighting…

2. You internalize others’ mistreatment.

According to Psychology Today, self-gaslighting is “when we pick up the torch from the gaslighter.” For example, if someone constantly tells you that you are “being too sensitive” or that something is “all in you head,” eventually you adopt this narrative and believe it by saying things like: “I am being too sensitive” or “It’s all in my head.”

3. Whenever you find yourself in any conflict, you always blame yourself.

Finally, whenever you find yourself in any type of disagreement or conflict, you never look at it holistically. Rather, you blame the entire issue on yourself.

While it is absolutely important to acknowledge your own role in situations, constantly turning to self-blame for everything is detrimental to your self-trust and self-esteem. It is also what ultimately keeps the self-gaslighting cycle going.

***

Self-gaslighting can be difficult to overcome but it is certainly possible to heal. There are a variety of strategies such as self-validation, self-compassion, and more that can help you stop self-gaslighting for good.

Disagreements and fights are bound to happen in any relationship, including one that is deeply healthy and happy. Merging two human lives is no easy feat, so a bit of turbulence here and there is inevitable.

That said, you do fight right. In other words, you don’t hit below the belt, you communicate openly and honestly, and you take space when things are getting a little too heated. You are both focused on the goal of resolution, not being right. And when the occasion calls for it, you’re able to agree to disagree and move on.

2. You aren’t each other’s “everything.” But you are one another’s priority.

You both have individual identities outside of the relationship. You each have your own friends, hobbies, and goals. You aren’t afraid to spend time apart and encourage one another to pursue each other’s own unique interests.

However, when the time comes to prioritize your relationship, you both do so without fail. You are committed to them and they are equally committed to you in return. Sure, you aren’t each other’s everything; but you do put them first and vice versa whenever the need arises.

3. You have compatible values and goals.

This is one of the more logistical parts of a partnership, but absolutely essential nonetheless. A healthy relationship is one where each partner’s values and life visions align. For example, if you want children and your partner doesn’t, this is a sign that you are not the right fit for one another.

4. The foundation of your partnership is respect and trust.

Because without respect and trust, there is no room for love to grow.

5. You have fun together.

Even if you’re just hanging out on the couch rewatching New Girl reruns, you still enjoy one another’s company. You genuinely love spending time together no matter what. You don’t need to have anything crazy planned in order to have fun.

6. Both of your friends and family support your relationship.

Your family and friends get along with your S.O. You also get along with your partner’s friends and family. As well, they have expressed approval of your partnership. Since your friends and family know you best, this is a telltale sign you and your person are truly healthy together.

7. You choose one another every single day.

In the end, love is more than just a feeling. It is a commitment. You both put in the effort to make each other feel important and valued daily. You each understand how lucky you are to have one another and never take this fact for granted.

When things begin to crumble before our very eyes, we often try and mitigate the fallout by clinging to the shards of what once was instead of allowing them to go.

Rather than letting people be on their way, we first will cling to them and our feelings well past their expiration dates. We will try to convince ourselves that we are meant to stay in places we know we have outgrown, and so we do. We will remain in roles and situations and mindsets that are clearly not working because to let them go sounds far too painful and risky.

We claim we fight because we put so much of ourselves and our time into these scenarios, relationships, and places that it would feel wasteful to not at least try to keep them. But the truth of the matter is that you can only put off the inevitable so long until fate takes the wheel.

What is meant to go will always leave.

But on the other side of that truth is that the things that are meant to arrive always will as well. And the things that are meant to stay always will, too.

This is not to say that we can’t ache over these things we loved and cared about. This is not to say we shouldn’t take the time to process and feel and all of that. This is to say that we need to keep our perspective when we are able to, however.

When we focus too intently on the endings, we fail to look at the horizons ahead of us. We forget to notice the opportunities the empty space create. We drown out the whispers of hope in favor of the shrillness of fear.

Instead, it would be in our best interests to allow ourselves to feel the grief while we still walking forward towards our better, more aligned tomorrows.

While not everything happens for a reason, everything is as it should be at any given moment. Because when we look backwards, we will begin to see that everything makes sense given everything that occurred.

The burned bridges forced us to change directions. The lost love forced us to heal. The towns we outgrew forced us to find home in places that could actually make us feel safe.

Not everything we lose is a loss. Those relationships and moments and jobs and emotions and places that slip through our fingers only make room for everything we were meant to hold on to all along.

We just need to be brave enough welcome them in.

Well, at least they can be. Because when the honeymoon ends and you’re thrust back into real life with an email inbox that never seems to empty and dirty dishes constantly piling up in the sink and daily 6 AM alarms and the dreaded rush hour commute that follows, do you have someone who supports you through those things?

Do you have a partner who asks about your day even though it’s the same shit as yesterday and the day before that, but they still find it interesting because it was your day? Are you with someone who offers to help you clear away the mess from dinner and throws on Frank Sinatra while you both dance around each other in your tiny kitchen to get everything back in order?

Are you sleeping next to someone you wake up next to with bedhead and horrific morning breath and they still lean over, kiss you, and say how attractive you are to them? Can you share comfortable silences together? Do find ways to make each other’s humanity easier to carry?

Do you speak tenderly to one another? Do you behave in caring and respectful ways? Do you love them through the fights, even when they’re being difficult as hell? Do they do the same for you? Will you reach out to hold their hand at their mom’s funeral and make arrangements they can’t bear to make themselves through their grief? Will you forgive them? Will they forgive you? Are you both committed?

If you said yes to any of these, those are relationship goals. It’s not about how good your relationship looks to others. It’s about how it feels standing within it. It’s about what your heart is telling you when it’s 2 AM and they’re snoring and taking up far too much room but you’re still so glad they’re your person. That you chose them and they chose you back.

True relationship goals are better than picture-perfect because they’re real. It’s not just about cute Instagram posts. It’s more about what you don’t post online and share only with one another. Those are relationship goals worth chasing. Those are the things I want. And I hope that’s what you want, too.

So…What Is Phubbing Anyway?

Phubbing has been on the rise in the age of social media and smartphones. While phubbing can happen in any relationship, phubbing is particularly detrimental within romantic partnerships.

Phubbing, aka phone snubbing, is when someone favors using their cell phone over paying full attention to those they are with in person. While it may seem harmless given the ubiquitous nature of phones and technology, phubbing behavior actually has various negative consequences for mental health and relationships.

Signs They’re Phubbing You

There are various signs of your partner phubbing you including:

• They immediately check every single phone notification as soon as they receive one. It’s almost as if they’re being held hostage by their Instagram notifications or text messages.
• They reach for their phone whenever there is a lull in conversation or awkwardness. Rather than finding ways to change the subject or continue talking, your partner simply looks to their phone instead.
• Their phone is basically an extra appendage at this point. They pretty much have it on their person at all times, including when using the restroom.
• They’re clearly distracted by their phone, even when having an in-person conversation with you. Their eyes are never not shifting to their phone, almost waiting for it to light up so they can have an excuse to use it.
• Their phone is always in their hand, ready to be used. Whether this is in bed, at the dinner table, while watching a movie, etc., their phone is glued to their hand.
• They pretend to listen to you while they are clearly texting other people. And when it’s time for them to respond to what you’re saying, they give lackluster answers that show they were never really listening to you in the first place.

The Negative Impact Of Phubbing On Relationships

Research has shown a number of negative side effects of phubbing. For starters, a 2017 study showed that mutual phubbing can actually lower marital satisfaction and cause depression. Not only that, phubbing can sever emotional connectivity in relationships and lead to lower quality communication.

For the person being phubbed, there are also a number of negative consequences for their mental health including depression, feelings of rejection, and loneliness. Not to mention, the phubbed may also feel unimportant to their partner and eventually begin to distrust them.

To be clear, the person phubbing is also being hurt by their rude behavior. A 2018 study that sought to understand how phone usage impacted in-person activities and the enjoyment of those events. Unsurprisingly, participants in the study who exhibited phubbing behavior not only enjoyed their food less than their phone-free counterparts but also were less engaged in the socializing overall.

What To Do If You’re Being Phubbed

If you’re being phubbed, it is important to talk to your partner about how their behavior is making you feel and how it is damaging your relationship as whole.

Offer to help your partner kick the habit by mutually putting away the phones while you’re spending quality time together. Also, do your best to be patient. Breaking a bad habit can take time.

How To Stop Phubbing

Of course, there is a chance you are guilty of this behavior as well. If you realize your phone usage is getting in the way of your relationship and hurting your partner, there are steps you can take to develop a better relationship with your phone.

Setting boundaries about when you can use your phone, putting it on DND, or simply placing your phone out of reach when you’re with your partner are all great ways to be less interested in TikTok, and more in love with the person sitting next to you.