Am I actually ready to define the relationship, or am I still figuring out how I feel?

The DTR conversation is a big step. It should only happen if you’re feeling concrete in your feelings for this person. Do you need to know everything? Do you need to feel like you’ve found the one? Not at all. But if you’re still trying to figure out if you even like them, you might want to put the conversation on hold.

Am I comfortable making this official?

Defining the relationship, taking things to the next level, doesn’t happen in a vacuum. If you’re committing to being something serious, that includes letting the people in your bubble–and outside of it–know exactly who you are to each other.

Am I ignoring any red flags or deal breakers?

Don’t jump the gun. While everything might look rosy, you could be blinded by new love. Don’t ignore bad behaviors or incompatibilities just because you don’t want to be alone.

Is this what I want, or what society says I should have?

Examine where your desire to DTR is coming from. Society? Your prospective partner? Internal biases? At the end of the day, you should make things serious only if you naturally want this from the person you’re dating, and not because you’re “supposed to.”

Do I like this person, or just the idea of them?

Are you entering into a relationship with this person for who they actually are, or what they sound like on paper? They may check all the boxes, but you need that magical chemistry in order for this to be a good match.

Do I like them, or do I just want a relationship?

Don’t rush into something just to avoid being alone. It’s not worth it, babe.

Does this person make me feel good about myself and about the relationship?

Someone can seem like a great fit for you, but still be a bad match. Stick with people who make you feel comfortable being yourself. And how about the relationship? Does it feel right? These are bare minimum must-haves if you’re going to take this relationship to the next level.

Does monogamy feel right for me? With this person?

The usual outcome for the DTR is to decide if you both want to commit to each other. Before you have the conversation, make sure monogamy feels right to you. And while you might like the idea in general, you need to like the idea of specifically being monogamous with them. Of course, polyamorous relationships exist, too, so if you want that, be prepared to bring it up.

Do I have enough space to commit to this person in the way that they need?

Everyone’s coming into this conversation with an idea of what they want and need. Not only should you be thinking about what they want, but you should also consider if you can be what they want as well. Everything needs to be aligned.

What does the ideal relationship look like to me?

You aren’t just having this conversation to decide to be together. You’re also letting them know what that should look like. Do you want to be together all the time or do you like space? Do you need regular emotional support? What’s your fighting style and is it compatible with theirs? There’s so much more to this than a simple, “Yes, let’s make this official.”

Am I prepared to be a loving partner?

Can you actually be the loving partner that someone needs? Don’t commit to something if you’re not ready or you can provide the experience that your partner wants.

Relying on others to boost your self-esteem.

Your self esteem waxes and wanes like the phases of the moon, and it’s entirely based on how others treat you. When your confidence isn’t rooted in your own feelings for yourself, a toxic partner can use that to their advantage, manipulating you by talking sweetly or pulling you apart–and you’ll be along for the ride.

Giving unlimited second chances.

You say, “next time,” yet both of you know there will never be a next time that involves you breaking up with them. You’ll put up with anything. So your partner will continue to treat you terribly because they know there are no consequences. If you break the cycle, you can finally get away.

Letting any amount of “good” outweigh the bad.

“Well, they aren’t all bad,” you’ll tell yourself as you sweep up the broken glass. After all, they bought you flowers that time. And they’re really nice to your mom. Don’t wait for someone to be 100% evil to leave them. Even a little bit of badness is enough to say goodbye.

Listening to the rebellious voice in your head.

Even when you know your relationship is toxic, there’s a part of you that holds on even tighter when people in your life bring it up. Maybe your mom takes you aside and asks you if your partner is really right for you, and that just puts off the inevitable breakup. You don’t want to prove the naysayers right.

Thinking that you can change them.

People don’t change–at least not when the sole motivation is from the desires of their partner. If they don’t want to change, they never will. Don’t stay in a bad relationship just because you hold out hope that it could get better. If it’s not good now, it never will be.

Worrying that leaving the relationship would be a “failure.”

You’ve already put so many years into this relationship, you worry how it will look if you “give up.” Don’t get stuck in the sunk-cost fallacy. The best time to leave is now.

Your friendship is deeper than any other relationship you’ve ever had.

You’ve dated plenty of people over the years, but none of them felt as close or as deep as your friendship with your platonic soulmate. In fact, you were able to use your friendship as a way to measure closeness with romantic partners. If they didn’t even come close to what you and your friend have, maybe they weren’t the one.

They know you better than anyone else.

You know every little bit about each other, from how you got the scar on your eyebrow to what song you played on repeat during your first breakup. If you were playing the Newlywed Game, you’d win, hands down.

You don’t even need to ask for help–they just know.

While other people might have trouble reading your emotions, that’s not the case for your platonic soulmate. You could be hiding them so well, but as soon as your best friend sees you, they know exactly what’s wrong and, best of all, they know exactly how to make it better.

It’s almost like you have twin telepathy.

You know that vibe that twins have where they sense when something’s wrong with their twin? You and your platonic soulmate have that, too. Your connection is cosmic–otherworldly.

You can’t picture a future without them in it.

No matter what happens in the future, even if you find the love of your life and get married, all your plans still include your best friend. You plan to grow old with them, after all.

You know all of each other’s flaws and love each other anyway.

It’s not that either of you are perfect. No one is. But those things seem so inconsequential when it comes to your platonic soulmate. Their flaws are just the little bits of them that make up the whole unique picture.

The feelings are mutual.

While you may have times in your life when you’ll have a best friend, but you aren’t theirs (and vice versa), that’s not the case for a platonic soulmate. Soulmates need to be mutual, both of you having an intense feeling of connection that affects you for life.

Never ignore your gut instinct.

If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. Women are often culturally conditioned to ignore our instincts in favor of giving people chance after chance. All that does is allow you to get hurt over and over. If you’re with someone who’s soulmate material, they won’t set off alarm bells–it’ll just feel right.

Never listen to your toxic friends.

So many otherwise amazing relationships have been ruined thanks to the poisonous words of toxic friends. They chirp in your ear that you deserve better, just to tear you down. They concoct elaborate schemes to “test” your relationship. They walk around your partner in their underwear because they’re “just more comfortable that way.” It’s the toxic friends that you need to watch out for.

Never stay in a relationship that isn’t working.

While even the best relationships have their ups and downs, the good things should still vastly outnumber the bad. If you’re spending all your energy trying to make a failing relationship work, you might miss out on an opportunity to find someone better. Remember: Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. (And don’t fall for the sunk-cost fallacy.)

Never try to change your partner.

“He’d be perfect if only he’d…” When you enter a relationship, you’re agreeing to take the person as they are. If the only way to make this love long-lasting is to try to mold someone into who you want them to be, it’ll never work.

Never be with a partner who wants to change you.

Conversely, you should find someone who likes you just as you are–all your little flaws and quirks included. If it’s a soulmate kind of love, you’ll feel comfortable being yourself, and you won’t have to hide parts of you to keep your partner around. It’ll just work.

Never try to excuse bad behavior.

When you’re in the beginning stages of a relationship, you’ll often excuse your partner’s bad behavior when others bring it up. It’s those rose-colored glasses keeping you from seeing a potentially dangerous situation. You’ll say, “Well, he doesn’t mean it,” or “Really, he’s usually so sweet.” If you feel yourself coming up with excuses when outsiders question your relationship, use that as a wakeup call.

Never try to force a lasting love if it’s not there.

You want a storybook kind of love, something that other people hold up as an example of the ideal relationship. Ignore that urge to force it when it isn’t there. Don’t shoehorn an “okay” relationship to fit the narrative you have in your head. If it’s not right, it’s not right. All you’re doing is prolonging the inevitable.

You feel like your current life chapter isn’t your own.

You’re working the job your parents wanted for you. You’re living in an apartment that doesn’t fit your style. And all the while, you’re deeply unsatisfied. It almost feels like you’re living someone else’s life.

You dream of something completely different.

As you commute back home from a long day on the job, you constantly daydream of something else. A different life with a different job. And underlying it all is a happiness that you’re not currently feeling in your life right now.

You no longer care about the security your current job gives you.

Security is often a huge motivation for staying with a job that you hate. Sure, you don’t like your job, but at least it makes you some decent money, right? The problem is that doesn’t hit the same as it used to. The security doesn’t matter. All you want now is change. You’d give up a bit of that security to be happier.

You’re sick of crying at work.

The marker of a truly terrible job is how often you’re crying while on the clock. You’ll excuse yourself to the bathroom so you can quietly weep in the stalls. Babe, no job is worth those tears. It’s time for a change.

You dream of just walking out one day and never returning.

And how sweet it would be. It’d be even better if you could get everyone to leave with you for the drama of a full walk-out. Maybe you should quit right now, rather than just keeping it a fantasy that gets you through the week.

No matter what you do, your job doesn’t make you feel fulfilled.

You hate feeling this way, so you’ve taken steps to make your current job better. Maybe you’ve gotten raises and promotions or moved to the same role in a different company hoping that it would get better. And still, you hate it. It might be time to admit that the problem isn’t the little things about your job, but your entire career as a whole.

The universe keeps showing you that this isn’t the job you should have.

When this article popped up, you weren’t surprised. The universe has been finding cute little ways to tell you that it’s time for a change. The next time someone mentions an opening at their company for the dream job you’ve always wanted, or your current boss starts hinting at upcoming layoffs, take it as a message from the universe and make the change you’ve been dreaming about.

1. He only makes plans with you at the last minute.

You try to make concrete plans in advance, but he always has some excuse why he can’t. Like maybe work is “being weird” or he hasn’t been feeling well. He says he’ll check in with you later, but he only ever okays plans if they’re for the same night.

2. He cancels plans without a clear reason why.

And if you do make plans, half of them don’t even go through. He has last minute problems more often than could ever be reasonable. You accept the excuses because you like him, when in reality he’s just off seeing another girl.

3. There are big gaps in his texting habits.

Sometimes you’re texting all afternoon. The banter is wonderful. Then he might go MIA for an entire day at a time. I have bad news for you: He isn’t texting you because he’s out with another girl. He’ll text you again when she’s gone, but is that good enough?

4. He doesn’t remember key details about you.

You texted him all about your promotion at work, but when you bring it up in person, he congratulates you like this is the first time he’s heard about it. Clearly he isn’t hanging onto your every word like you are for him.

5. …Or he’s gotten things all wrong.

He mentions your brother, but you only have a sister. Or maybe he talks about his own life as if you already heard it. He’s talking to more people than just you, and he’s having a tough time keeping his stories straight.

6. He won’t define the relationship.

Every time you try to take things to the next level, he dodges you. He says he’ll discuss it later. Or he’ll say, “Why should we define anything? We’re having so much fun as we are.” Even if he isn’t talking to other girls–and that’s a big if–he’s clearly not into this the way you are.

7. He won’t post pictures of you online or make it official on socials.

Not only does he not post you on Instagram, but he asks you not to post pictures of him on your socials either. He says it’s for privacy or that he’s just not big on social media, but his profiles would beg to differ. This is a huge red flag, babe. Not only is he probably talking to someone else, but there’s a good chance she’s his full-on girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.

You deserve better.

You’ve always been good at moving on from heartbreak. Your friends think you move on “too fast,” but you truly just don’t have the space in your heart to dwell. Do you wish your ex the worst? Of course! But you aren’t going to sweat it for long.

Taurus

Your divorce will feel like the end of the world. You’ve cultivated such a life for yourself as a couple, it’ll feel like everything’s turned upside down and it’ll take a while for you to recover. But you’ll move on by creating a new space for yourself as this new single version of yourself.

Gemini

You’re the one throwing the divorce party, complete with an elaborate themed cake and a ceremonial burning of all the things that remind you of your ex. You’re just ready to shed all the bad energy and move on in the most epic way possible.

Cancer

You’ll talk about your divorce to anyone who’ll listen. You’ll get deep, you’ll cry, you’ll talk about how betrayed you feel. Does your mail carrier or the barista making your oat milk latte want to hear it? Not necessarily. You’ll know you’ve moved on when you don’t jump to the divorce story when someone asks you how you are.

Leo

It’s really important to you that everyone knows the divorce wasn’t your fault. So important, in fact, that you’ll contact people from your ex’s side of things, like in-laws and ex’s friends, just to let them know your side. Once you feel vindicated, you can move on.

Virgo

You have a whole game plan when it comes to moving on from your divorce. You’ve scheduled in some time where you just sit around and cry, but you’ve also planned outings with your most encouraging friends. Some classes, some therapy, and you should be good to go.

Libra

You move on in only the best way you know how: With a rebound fling. Maybe you’ll schedule a girl’s trip so you can find yourself on a Mexican beach. Or maybe you’ll finally ask out that guy you work with who always flirts with you. Divorce who?

Scorpio

After a period of hiding in your home by yourself in the dark, you’ll finally start moving on from your divorce by letting your friends in to help. Maybe they’ll clean up your apartment, let the light in, and you’ll feel like just a bit of that weight has left your shoulders.

Sagittarius

There’s no sitting still for you when it comes to moving on from divorce. The longer you sit at home feeling sorry for yourself, the worse you feel. You’d prefer an Under the Tuscan Sun moment where you flit off to Italy to buy and restore a dilapidated villa.

Capricorn

You’ll move on from your divorce through sheer force of will. You don’t want to be holding onto this past relationship, so you just won’t. Your friends and family might be worried, but you swear you’ve got this. You know how to keep your crying to a minimum.

Aquarius

You’ll move on by throwing yourself into your projects and work. It’s time for your workaholic side to go into overdrive. That means you might end up with a promotion at the end of this, all thanks to the overwork that comes with an Aquarius moving on after divorce.

Pisces

You move on from a divorce with time. You wish you could throw a party and get over it like some of the other signs, but that doesn’t totally work. (You know, you tried.) You just need to surround yourself with people who love you and you’ll be okay in the end.

The days are shorter, we get in our heads, and it can be hard to turn off bad thoughts. But some zodiac signs are a lot more likely to spend their Christmases with their feelings hurt than others. Are you one of these zodiac signs who’ll be extra sensitive for Christmas?

Aries

You love freely and often. When you have a crush, you have a hard time taking it slow and will usually say something immediately. While you normally heal from heartbreak super quickly, that’s less the case right now. If the holidays have been especially tough for you, you might want to hold off on making any romantic moves until after the new year. Asking out your crush on Christmas Day, while sounding romantic, may just end up with you laying on the couch all day feeling bad about yourself while everyone gleefully opens presents around you. Listen to your more-sensitive-than-normal emotions and take it easy on the big moves.

Taurus

It’s easy to stubbornly say that your family’s opinions don’t affect you, but if you’re super honest with yourself, that’s not really the case. You’re just good at hiding it. This Christmas, every little dig and jab from your relatives will get to you so that, by the end of the day, you feel like you’ve been poked all over. It’s tiring dealing with everyone’s judgment of your career or your love life or your lack of children. Know that it’s perfectly okay to take a break and hide out in the bathroom for a while. Family can be exhausting.

Libra

You’ve done a good job of curating a great inner circle of close friends. They’re basically your chosen family. Unfortunately, you might have to see the literal family you were born with for Christmas, rather than the ones you actually like spending time with. Like Taurus, it’s going to be difficult to deal with criticism from your parents, aunts, and uncles. If need be, you can always text your group chat for a little emotional boost. Sometimes its our friends that help us guard our heart when we don’t have the energy to do it ourselves.

Capricorn

You’re tired. You’ve been working so hard all year, so spending the holiday with family might not feel like the day off that it should. You’ll still feel fried which means you’re not going to be as easy-going as you might hope. One wrong word and you might just break. Nothing like crying on Christmas to remind you that you’re alive. Just remember that it’s okay to have feelings–this is nothing to be ashamed of. If you need to, you can always leave early. A short visit is better than none at all and anyone who cares about your feelings will understand that you need a break.

Quality Time

Remember: You can set the terms of what “quality” means.

When some partners hear “quality time,” they assume that just sitting next to each other while you binge-watch The Office for the tenth time is enough to count. While that works for some, it might not work for you. Be honest about what you see as quality time. It could mean weekly date nights, fun hiking adventures, or having picnics in your favorite parks. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want, and don’t settle for quality time that’s lacking actual quality.

Physical Touch

Remember: You need consent from both parties for this to work.

There’s a lot more to this love language than sexual experiences. You’re likely a fan of hugs and hand-holding, too. But when it comes to the sexual aspect, remember that you need enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. If your partner doesn’t have much of a libido, guilting them into the bedroom under the guise of “but it’s my love language” is icky at best and SA at worst.

Receiving Gifts

Remember: There’s a thin line between satisfaction and greed.

The image of the “receiving gifts” love language is often confused with the “gimme a new car” housewife trope that was all over TV and film in the ’90s. In reality, this love language is way more about the old adage, “it’s the thought that counts.” Rather than expecting jewelry every other week, receiving gifts is more about being shown they care without asking for it. It could be something as simple as a bouquet of flowers for no reason, or your favorite snack at the store. Not every gift has to–or should–break the bank.

Words of Affirmation

Remember: Having this love language doesn’t make you insecure.

Words of affirmation is one of the most difficult love languages to ask for. Society has taught us that if you have to ask if someone loves you, then that just means you’re insecure. To them, you should be satisfied being shown. This often leads to people with words of affirmation as their love language just suffering in silence and never asking for what they need: Their love expressed in words. Having this love language doesn’t make you insecure. It just means you like when people’s feelings are stated plainly so you don’t have to wonder.

Acts of Service

Remember: Let your partner know that you don’t want to have to ask for help.

The biggest stumbling block of acts of service is expressing to your partner that you don’t want to have to ask. There’s a huge difference between someone getting your car washed because they noticed it was dirty rather than you asking them to do it. One shows that they care and the other shows that they need to be reminded that you exist. As you enter your thirties, remember that you shouldn’t have to ask someone to care about you. They either show you, or you’re out the door.

While some signs dwell on bad endings (we’re looking at you, Cancer), others can be counted on not to endlessly complain about their exes for months or years at a time. Are you one of the zodiac signs that handle breakups the best? Read on to find out.

Aries

While the first day or two might be fraught with high emotion and fiery anger, an Aries quickly burns out after heartbreak. They get over the bad things super quickly and start focusing on new people and adventures without even really trying. For an outsider, it can seem like an Aries doesn’t actually have much of a heart to break if they can move on so quickly. It’s less that they lack the heart and more that they have the hope that their situation will turn better soon–and the drive to make that happen. Even so, the more emotional signs can find the switch abrasive.

Taurus

While they don’t have the natural drive to get over breakups quickly like an Aries, Taurus babes are great at treating themselves with grace and self-care during heartbreak. They’re the ones setting limits, vegging out when they need a break, and talking it out only until it stops being helpful. They launch into self-help mode as soon as the bad times start, which means that a Taurus will heal from the heartbreak a lot faster than signs who go on a rampage.

Libra

To say that Libras move on from heartbreak quickly is a bit of an understatement. They’re not the type to sit around pining their loss or waiting months to get back out there after a breakup. Instead, as soon as their mood is even a little stable, they’re back on dating apps or hitting on the friends they’ve always had a crush on. Some might think that Libra’s ultra short single periods aren’t enough to truly get over an ex, but what do they know? Libras have plenty of great relationships that have begun directly after a breakup.

Scorpio

No silently stalking the social media of their exes for Scorpios. They aren’t showing up at the door of the one who broke their heart. Instead, Scorpios go for the clean break, blocking their ex on absolutely everything. This clean break might seem harsh to others, but it’s their way of getting distance so they can heal. Sometimes the best thing you can do is separate yourself from the thing that’s making you feel bad. While Scorpios won’t be the ones who stay friends with their exes, they at least know that they aren’t constantly dwelling on the past.