Settling in love isn’t easy to admit, let alone recognize. It’s a subtle and gradual process.

Here are some signs it’s not love, you’re just settling:

You’re not passionate anymore.

You’re not passionate about the relationship anymore. You don’t feel excited when your partner walks into the room. You don’t want to jump their bones and make out with them the way you once did. Your sex life is unfulfilling. You don’t get butterflies when they text you. There’s no spark or enthusiasm anymore–it has completely faded away.

You have a fear of loneliness.

When you’re settling in love, you’re ultimately filling a void of some kind. And that void is loneliness.

You’re staying in the relationship because you are dependent on them. According to psychologists, codependency stems from a lack of self-worth and a deep-rooted need for approval from others. (Sorry but it’s true.)

You’re also staying in the relationship because you’re afraid of being single and alone, and that shouldn’t be the case. You should be with someone who you genuinely love and are genuinely happy to be with, not just because they make you feel less alone.

You’re lowering your standards.

If you’re settling in your relationship, you are ultimately lowering your standards for what you want in a partner and a relationship. Maybe you accept mistreatment. Maybe your partner doesn’t meet your bare minimum needs and you don’t speak up to ask for what you deserve. Maybe you have ultimately resigned yourself to the relationship, believing that this is the best you can do. “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

You deserve more. Your needs aren’t too much. Your standards aren’t too high. You’re simply settled in a relationship with the wrong person.

You’re feeling underappreciated and unsupported.

If you’re feeling unappreciated or unsupported in your relationship, then there’s a good chance you’re settling. Your partner should support your goals, dreams, and ambitions. They should lift you up and make you feel good, secure, confident, and unstoppable. They should be proud of you and want to show you off. Their lack of support and unappreciation is not something you should settle for.

You’re emotionally detached.

You might be feeling emotionally detached in the relationship. You don’t feel a strong emotional connection with your partner anymore. You don’t have those deep conversations anymore. You don’t feel that compassion and tenderness towards them or the relationship anymore. Overall, you’re just numb.

You’re comparing your relationship to others.

If you see your friends in relationships and think, They look so happy. Am I happy like that? there’s a good chance you’re settling in your relationship. You’re comparing your relationship to others and feeling a bit unfulfilled and like you should be happier. You can’t help but feel like something is missing like everyone else has a perfectly happy relationship and you don’t. Not only are you comparing your relationship to others, but you might also find yourself often daydreaming about being in a different, more fulfilling relationship with someone else. You wonder what would that be like.

You’re ignoring your gut feelings and the red flags.

This is one of the biggest signs you are settling in love. You ignore the red flags and continue on wearing the rose-colored glasses. You don’t acknowledge your gut feelings and instead, you suppress them. You do this simply because you’re afraid of being alone or having to start over.

You’re feeling complacent, not comfortable.

There’s a difference between comfort and complacency. When you’re comfortable in your relationship, you are more than likely safe with your partner. You feel secure and content. When you’re complacent, however, you’re ultimately letting yourself remain stuck in the relationship simply because it’s familiar, not because it brings you security, fulfillment, and happiness.

Poor communication.

If you and your partner are having lots of misunderstandings, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad communication. If you are having trouble expressing yourself or you avoid having deep or hard conversations about issues or about the future, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad. communication.

No matter if you are avoidant or just bad at communicating, if this problem is not addressed or fixed, both of you will continue to settle for the bare minimum, and that’s not what either of you deserve.

Lots of arguments.

Fighting is normal in any relationship. But if you’re picking fights with your partner and are finding that the conflicts are similar to those you’ve had with previous partners, then you could be reliving old patterns. On the other hand, if you’re avoiding fights altogether, you might be continuing a pattern of suppressing your own feelings for the sake of keeping the peace. You continue to people-please your way through the relationship.

Playing the same roles.

Maybe you were the caregiver in your last relationship. You were the people-pleaser, making sure your partner’s needs were taken care of before your own. If you don’t learn from this behavior and enter a new relationship being the caregiver again, you are ultimately going to continue this pattern over and over and over. You’re going to be settling for a partner who acts more like a child like they need to be taken care of.

You might find that you’re also drawn to people who have had similar characteristics or played the same role as an ex. You were in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, and now you’re in a relationship with someone else who is emotionally distant. You are unconsciously seeking out what’s familiar.

Fear of abandonment.

If you have a recurring fear of being abandoned, you might find that you’re bringing that into new relationships. With this fear, you are ultimately codependent, engaging in behaviors of people-pleasing and having a hard time setting boundaries. When you have a fear of abandonment, you might go to great lengths to avoid a breakup, even if that means tolerating unhealthy or abusive situations. Your fear of abandonment and being “unloved and alone” is so strong that you will settle for attachment, you will settle for the bare minimum.

People-pleasing.

If you find that you’re putting your partner’s needs and desires before your own, you are ultimately people-pleasing. If you are avoiding fights or compromising as a means of wanting to keep the peace, you’re people-pleasing. People-pleasing is an unhealthy learned behavior that can start very young, and getting out of that can be incredibly challenging. Even still, it’s necessary to, or else you will be carrying that into every relationship you will have.

Difficulty trusting.

Trust is crucial in any relationship. If you have a gut feeling about something or someone, that maybe something isn’t right or maybe your partner is untrustworthy, listen to that gut feeling. However, if you have a hard time trusting your partner even though they have never and will never give you a reason to doubt them, it might be an underlying issue you have to deal with.

Recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns is the first step to breaking said patterns. By addressing the underlying issues through therapy or counseling, you can then break the cycle and build healthier relationship dynamics.

You will feel ashamed for accepting anything less. You will feel ashamed for not asking for your needs to be met. You will feel ashamed for accepting crumbs and saying it kept you full.

It’s okay to feel that shame. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself. But what’s not okay is letting it convince you that your mistreatment was your fault. What’s not okay is recognizing this and still continuing to abandon yourself.

Accepting anything less than you deserved in a relationship was an act of self-abandonment. It was a coping mechanism that stemmed from self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a desire to please others. It’s a very common behavior, one that needs to be unlearned.

You kept yourself small for fear that they would think you were too much. You kept yourself quiet for fear of rejection. You accepted less than you deserved because you convinced yourself–and this other person–that that was all you were worth.

When you finally learn what you deserve, you will put in the effort to stand up for yourself and ask for your needs to be met. You will no longer accept the bare minimum as enough. You will no longer look at love through rose-colored glasses, convincing yourself This is all there is for me. You will no longer accept a love that is too small, too delicate, too quiet. You will finally believe that you deserve so much more.

Here are some concrete signs to look out for:

Eye contact.

Love at first sight. Strong eye contact can typically indicate a deeper connection and attraction. When you maintain that eye contact and it feels like it’s just the two of you in the room, it’s a good sign that there’s comfortability and chemistry between the two of you. The eyes never lie.

Mirroring.

According to psychologists, mirroring is a good sign of chemistry between two people. The subtle mimicry includes postures, gestures, or speech patterns. There’s synchrony too, which includes adjusting to each other’s tone and and rhythm of voice.

There’s something to be said about the concept behind twin flames: “mirrored souls” who see themselves in one another. That’s why twin flame connections are so strong.

Laughter.

There’s a strong connection between two people when they’re able to laugh with one another — and not like an uncomfortable fake laugh but a genuine belly laugh. Shared humor and giggling like school kids is a good sign that both people find each other funny and enjoy each other’s sense of humor.

Natural body language.

This one is science. When people feel chemistry, their body language changes. They are physically drawn to one another. Not only is there physical touch — a hand on the arm or shoulder as a means of feeling comfort and attraction towards the other person — but natural body language. You lean in, face each other, and no longer cross your arms. You become more open, relaxed, and inviting.

Intense attraction.

This is an obvious one, but if there’s palpable sexual tension between the two of you, it’s a good indicator that there’s chemistry. It’s about heightened awareness of each other’s presence, physical touch, eye contact, and an undeniable tension.

Engaging conversation.

When there’s chemistry between two people, conversation flows naturally and effortlessly. Both are you are engaged and attentive. Both of you are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say, asking questions and genuinely wanting to know more. Both of you share interests and actually have something to talk about — and maybe even something to look forward to doing together. There’s no uncomfortable silence or wondering what to say next. If there is silence, it doesn’t feel awkward. It just feels like peace. It’s all very natural and easy.

Interest in personal lives.

When the two of you are expressing an interest in each other’s personal lives — work, hobbies, background, life experiences – it’s a good sign there’s chemistry. It shows that you both want to learn about one another and maybe even get to know each other on a deeper level. “You told me about your past thinking your future was me…”

Consistent communication.

If they’re interested in you, they will talk to you. They will engage in communication, in one way or another. Even if they’re busy and can’t hold a conversation, they will still, at the very least, make the effort to check in. They won’t ghost and won’t play games. If there’s genuine chemistry between two people, the communication will be regular and enthusiastic.

Nervous excitement.

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of nervousness and excitement before seeing someone. That can indicate there’s a strong emotional connection — and chemistry — there.

Time flies.

Spending time together is one thing, but not realizing how much time has passed while in each other’s presence is another. When there’s chemistry between two people, you’re in the moment. You’re engaged, enjoying each other’s company.

Resonating values.

You can’t have good chemistry with someone unless you feel comfortable with them, and that comfortability can stem from a sense of familiarity and shared understanding of something. If you share values, beliefs, and life goals with someone, there’s a good chance you might have a level of chemistry with them.

Communicate with you.

Communication is the absolute bare minimum in a relationship. It’s more than just being able to hold a conversation, it’s about being compassionate, honest, respectful, and a good listener.

This goes for arguments, too. Fights are inevitable and normal in a relationship. When they happen, your partner should communicate effectively, not ignore the issues, consider some conflict resolutions, and be willing to compromise.

If you’ve expressed your concerns to your partner about how you want him to communicate better or differently and he hasn’t made the effort to change, then maybe you should reconsider the relationship and let him go.

Respect you.

Every relationship should have a foundation of trust and respect. While trust is something that is built over time through honesty and reliability, respect is something that should be established early on in the relationship. Your partner should respect you as a person and a partner.

If he values you, he will be loyal and will keep his promises. If he respects you, he will be compassionate and understanding of your needs and desires in the relationship. If he values you, he will make you feel secure and confident in the relationship.

If you’ve expressed your concerns and needs to him and you still feel as if you can’t trust him or that you still feel disrespected, then maybe it’s time to let him go. You’re better off being single.

Commit to you.

If he is investing time and energy into other people and wants multiple no-strings-attached relationships and you don’t, then you are not meant to be with him. If he says he wants to be in a committed relationship with you but doesn’t act like it, then you are not meant to be with him. If he is prioritizing other things over your relationship, then you are not meant to be with him. If you feel as if the relationship is a bit one-sided or unsatisfying, then you are not meant to be with him.

If he is unwilling to be in a committed relationship with you, then you are better off single.

It is a state of infatuation with and a longing for another person. It is an all-consuming passion, or rather, obsession. It begins with a dopamine rush, much like love does.

These are the 3 stages of limerence —

Attachment/Infatuation

This phase is all about getting to know one another. It’s about bonding, developing an emotional connection, spending time together, and creating a safe space for one another to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and intimate.

During this time, it’s about uncovering each other’s personalities. However, when it’s limerence, you don’t get into the nitty-gritty details and experiences that shaped one another.

When in this stage, some people get lost in the idea that maybe they’re falling in love. However, this is not love, but rather, attachment. Love is selfless, secure, deep, and free. Attachment is selfish, codependent, and restrictive. You’re attached to the idea of this person and what they can provide for you and your narrative. In this stage, you become so fixated on this person. Not only can you not stop thinking about them, but you are so dependent on them and the attention they give you. When you’re not with them or talking to them, your anxiety skyrockets. You’re deeply dependent on their attention and validation.

Crystallization

This is when the white-hot passion comes in. It is a full-blown attraction and obsession. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this person.

In this stage, you don’t see the full picture. You don’t see this person for who they really are. Although you’ve gotten to know one another, you haven’t seen–or maybe refuse to admit you see–their red flags. In fact, you choose certain characteristics of this person and put them in a box to fit your narrative.

According to relationship experts, “You’re unintentionally reducing their complex personhood down to a manic pixie concept, shaped primarily by your hopes and dreams and what they can offer you.” This is the halo effect: you’re blinded by love (or what you think is love) and your better judgment is clouded.

Sometimes, you might be so infatuated with this person that you are willing to uproot your entire life and lose your own moral beliefs in order to be with this person. In a way, you are settling. You’re so blinded by love that you don’t care if the person is right for you or not or if the relationship is actually fulfilling you.

Deterioration

In limerence, you abandon your morals and better judgment and make decisions based on the narrative you’ve created about this person and your relationship. Some people might move in together only after dating a few months. Some people might even get married.

As time goes on and the euphoric feelings of “love” wear off, you will start to see the relationship for what it really is. You will start to notice the red flags and the halo effect will disappear. You will re-evaluate your relationship and most likely, end things.

It’s not easy to see the differences between love and limerence. But when you do notice them, it will make you more aware of how you are in relationships and how you can avoid this kind of attachment in the future.

Sure, it’s not that easy to get the things you want the most. There’s so much time, money, and hard work to invest in the process of getting the things you most desire. But hear me out.

I was 18 years old when I learned about the law of attraction and manifesting, thanks to Leeor Alexandra and her videos about manifestation and the law of attraction.

I did what she told me to do: I journaled, I wrote down my goals, I wrote letters to my future self, I did the 2 cup method, and meditated…a lot. And let me tell you, this works.

I don’t want say that you’ll be entirely happy with the way your life turns out, but if you take the time for yourself and work on your goals, you could potentially find some contentment with life. You just have to do something about it. If you need some motivation and inspiration, I am here to help…with Leeor. Tag team!

1. Write a letter to your future self.

Get yourself in a comfortable position. Maybe you’re wearing pajamas, in bed. Maybe there’s also a candle burning and your favorite song playing. Meditate a little – breathe in, breathe out. It is so important to get yourself feeling comfortable and good because your vibrations will be at their highest. Then, find a piece of paper and a pen (or a laptop or tablet, whichever you prefer!) and start writing.

Write the date as one year into the future – so if it’s March 19th 2019, write it as March 19th 2020. Then, start writing.

Write, as your future self addressing your past self (which, is really your present self) and talk about everything you have and everything you’re grateful for. 

I’ve done this once before, and it’s honestly scary how much has come true. At the beginning of 2018, I wrote that I wanted to be a writer in New York City, living in my dream apartment, and in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects me, loves me, and understands my love language. Now, in 2019, I’m a writer in New York City, living in my dream apartment, and in a happy relationship with myself…and still waiting for my dream man. Though not everything is true (yet!), it still happened for me. It works. 

2. Rewrite your limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs are statements that we have decided are factual, based on what we’ve been programed to believe: from media, our childhood, etc. It dictates our behavior and how we manifest (or don’t manifest) the things in our life.

First and foremost: sit down with yourself and be a bit introspective. What are your beliefs? Is money too hard to obtain? Do you believe that you’re not going to find love because you’re not good enough?

Write down your limiting beliefs and change your relationship with these beliefs. 

In other words, rewrite them. Write down the beliefs: money is easy to get, I am loved and I am good enough and I am capable of finding love.

I’ve done this many times before, because this is something that I struggle with (I doubt myself a lot and I question whether or not I’m good enough for love) and it’s slowly becoming an easier thing for me to do. I write: “I am so happy and grateful now that…” and write down my beliefs. For example: “I am so happy and grateful now that money is flowing in and that I am so desirable and so deserving of love.”

I am so happy and grateful, I am so happy and grateful, I am so happy and grateful…

3. The Two Cup Method.

Get two cups and a couple of sticky notes. The cup on the left is your current reality and the cup on your right is your desired reality.

With a sticky note, write down whatever is making you feel so low. For example, “I feel undesired and unloved and that’s probably why I’m single,” or “I don’t have an income,” or “I’m not able to travel for reasons x,y,z,” – and place it on the cup on the left. Then, fill the cup on the left with water.

With another sticky note, write down what you want, in relation to whatever is on the left. For example, write down “I am desired and loved and in a happy, healthy relationship,” or “I have a steady income!” or “I’m traveling so much!”

Sit with these cups in front of you. Think about how the reality on the left side makes you feel. Think about how you’ll feel when the reality on the right side manifests itself. Amazing, right!? 

Pour the water from the left cup into the right cup. Think about those good feelings. Then, drink the water from the right cup.

Writing down your goals will make your dreams a reality, but you have to have faith in that.

Believe me, I know how hard that it is. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression and I know how it can make you feel unmotivated and undeserving of the things you want. For me, that’s what made me want to keep going. I wanted something better for myself and I worked towards making that happen, despite all the negative feelings and thoughts I fought against.

You have to visualize what you want. You have believe you’re deserving of it. You have to have faith in that these good things will happen for you.

Remember: your thoughts become things.

We all have 11 soul connections, which are a beautiful, spiritual bond between lovers, family, friends, and even acquaintances. These soul connections are meant to teach us, to guide us, to love us, and to make us feel whole again.

Here are the 11 soul connections we will experience in our lifetime:

Soul Partners

This connection isn’t particularly romantic, though it can be. It’s often a family member, a friend, or even an acquaintance or coworker. This person is someone who provides support on your spiritual journey to find your life purpose. It’s someone who helps you get to where you need to be.

Soul Ties

If you meet someone and instantly feel a connection to them as if you were meant to cross paths with them, that they are meant to be in your life for a reason (though unknown), then they might be a soul tie. Maybe this person challenges or teaches you things in ways that other people don’t, but whatever the case, soul ties are one of the more intense connections.

Think of the invisible string theory: the idea that the Universe connects you to one another with an invisible red string. It’s the person who grew up a block away from you and the two of you meet later in life in a different city. It’s the person who shows up in the back of your photos because you just so happened to attend the same concert. That’s a soul tie.

Romantic Soulmates

When you meet a soulmate, you will feel it in your entire being. Your gut is screaming, This is them. You will feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life to meet this person. Your connection is natural, easy, and comfortable. They are your person, someone who you are most likely going to spend forever with.

Past-Life Soulmates

Have you ever met someone and instantly felt as if you’ve met them before? Or that you’ve known them before? There’s something familiar and comforting about them, but you can’t seem to put your finger on what that is. This person could be a past-life soulmate.

This is when two souls have shared a life together (or maybe even multiple lives) and they keep finding each other in every lifetime. Maybe in this life, it’s someone you’re in a casual situationship with, but in a past life, it was true love. Maybe in a past life, it was a family member, and in this life, it’s a best friend.

According to Michael Newton, Ph. D., the author of Journey of Souls: A Case Study of Life Between Lives, “Souls do come across time and space for each other.” It is believed that when souls come back together in every life, it’s because they are looking to heal or do better this time around.

Karmic Soulmates

Karma is a concept of action. It’s the energy we put out into the world that eventually makes its way back to us. It can be good or bad, but it really is just a neutral energy of cause and effect.

Karmic soulmates are people who come into our lives to teach us how we can improve ourselves. They shed light on the parts of us that need healing and how we can grow and evolve to become better people.

Twin Flames

The idea of twin flames is that our bodies were split in two with someone and we still share the same soul with them. “Mirrored souls” who see themselves in one another.

A twin flame is an intense soul connection that can be toxic, overwhelming, and incredibly challenging. The purpose of a twin flame is to force us to confront our insecurities and doubts, guide us to the deepest and most feared parts of ourselves, and challenge us to find healing.

Despite how ugly and toxic they can be, they are ultimately meant to help us become the best versions of ourselves. And thankfully, this connection doesn’t last forever. Whenever you are both ready for it, the relationship will come to an end.

Soul Friends

Think of your best friend. They are your soul friend. We will have many, many friendships in our lives. Friends come and go but soul friends stay forever. The two of you inspire, motivate, love, and understand one another on such a deep level. Nothing and no one can tear you apart. “You’re my person.”

Soul Families

This is your “chosen family.” These people are destined to come into your life and as a soul group, you are meant to break negative patterns together. You work together to be a part of something bigger, like working for a similar cause or breaking toxic patterns (like addiction, for example).

Soul Teachers

While this can be an actual teacher who inspired or motivated you, it can also just be a plain old person who teaches you something about yourself. They serve as a gentle guide to the journey you were meant to be on.

For example, maybe it’s your high school English teacher who inspired you to become a writer later on in life. Or maybe it’s a friend’s mom who complimented your fashion sense and encouraged you to make a career out of it.

Soul Crossings

“Right person, wrong time.” — That’s a soul-crossing connection.

Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone but you know that you need some time apart to grow on your own, and so you’ll find one another and try again later on. Think of When Harry Met Sally. That’s a soul-crossing.

Kindred Spirits

Kindred spirits are the people who understand you. It’s someone who shares the same spiritual or cultural beliefs as you, and who most likely has had a similar upbringing or similar life experiences as you. You feel safe in each other’s presence simply because you just get one another in a way that no one will ever understand.

You deserve more than what you’ve been given and you deserve more than what you’ve accepted.

Here’s a tough pill to swallow: when you settle in love, you ultimately abandon yourself. This self-abandonment is cruel. It’s a coping mechanism that stems from self-doubt, low self-esteem, trauma, and a desire to please others.

When you settle in love, you keep yourself small. You fear that you are too much and you are asking for too much. But that’s not true — the way they love you just isn’t enough.

When you settle in love, you tend to look at your relationship through rose-colored glasses. You ignore the signs that your partner isn’t truly giving you what you want or need.

So, whatever you do, please don’t settle in love.

It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself and feel ashamed for accepting anything less, for believing that small love was all you were worth. It’s okay to be angry at them for not giving you more. Some people can’t love the way you love and can’t give the way you give–and that’s okay too. That just means they’re not meant to hold your heart.

As agonizing as it will be to have to let them go, it is ultimately the kindest thing you can do for yourself. You have to understand what you are worth and make space in your life for people who actually treat you with the kindness, love, grace, and respect you deserve. You have to learn how to give yourself the love you gave them.

Please, don’t settle in love. Don’t settle for a love that isn’t fulfilling your needs, that isn’t white-hot with passion, and that doesn’t make you feel seen and heard. You deserve so much more.

At first, you will feel ashamed for accepting so little from him. You will feel ashamed for taking the crumbs he gave and believing it kept you full. Now, you are coming to the gutted realization of how starved you are. And finally, you are free to find a love that will fill you better.

You will feel hurt that you weren’t given more. You might even feel sorry for yourself for not noticing or for not asking for your needs to be met. But you might also start to feel a bit empowered: now you recognize how much more you deserve and how you won’t settle for anything less in the future.

With all that being said, these are some love lessons you will learn from a bare minimum man:

“I am no longer allowing myself to be small and quiet.”

When you’re with a bare minimum man, you might not realize how much you shrink in order to make space for them. You do this because you fear that you and your needs might be too much. You kept yourself small and quiet, never asking for your needs to be met, out of fear of rejection or abandonment. The thing is, by doing this, you are ultimately rejecting and abandoning yourself. Self-abandonment is a coping mechanism stemming from low self-esteem, self-doubt, anxiety, trauma, and a desire to please others.

But now that you’re out of the relationship and you recognize these behaviors, you are making changes. You are now able to go into relationships with a different mindset: I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to have a voice. I deserve more than what I’ve been given.

“I know my worth.”

Bare minimum men know how to keep you invested, with their emotionally distant and avoidant behaviors. The way they treated you was merely a reflection of them and how they lacked the ability to love and respect you in the way you deserve.

Being with someone who puts little to no effort into the relationship can really make you start to doubt yourself and your worth. Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Am I enough?

Now that you’re out of the relationship, you finally have the space to realize how little they gave you and how much more you deserve. You recognize your worth and won’t tolerate mistreatment, disrespect, or half-assed effort. And you especially won’t allow a bare minimum man to be in control of the way you perceive yourself.

Say these affirmations to yourself, out loud, as many times as you need:

I am allowed to take up space.

I am allowed to have a voice.

I deserve more than what I’ve been given.

I am loved.

I am enough.