We have Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. Tyler Durden from Fight Club. Severus Snape from Harry Potter and the psychopathic lead character from Dexter. We feel conflicted over these characters – we love and we hate them simultaneously. We root for them then distance ourselves from them. We both abhor and appreciate these characters because they are the realest damn characters we ever see depicted on TV.

But nobody wants to be them.

We hate anti-heroes in part because we’re scared that we are exactly like them – Flawed. Immoral. Lost. We don’t want to recognize the parts of ourselves that resemble these complicated characters because we’d rather be the heroes themselves. The pure ones. The strong ones. The people who always say the right thing and make the right choice and move through their lives in a blaze of honourable glory.

We want to be the heroes but we’re quick to ignore the unattainability of that desire. There are no one-dimensional characters in real life. And you’re certainly not always going to be the hero of your own.

The truth is, you’re going to mess something up at some point. Probably something huge. Something that makes you hate yourself – that knocks you down one or ten pegs. And that’s the point where it will become all too easy to take on the victim role. If you can’t be the hero, you’d rather be the helpless one. The unaccountable one. The who got dumped on by life and needs a hero to come along and save them.

We hate the anti-hero character because we prefer moral extremes. You’re batman or you’re the joker. You’re good or you’re evil. You’re somebody we all want to root for or you’re someone we hope will crash hard and burn. And we want to put ourselves into these extremes too. We’re either triumphing over our lives – riding in on a blaze of glory, or we’re hiding from it – waiting until we’re worthy of better circumstances. We don’t want to play the anti-hero because we don’t want to dwell in moral grey areas. We don’t want to half-root for ourselves.

But here’s the truth about heroes: None of the real-life ones are pervasively moral or gallant. None of them did everything right along the way. Not a single hero in the untelevised world has done the right thing at every opportunity they’ve had. They’ve all been anti-heroes at some point. They’ve all had to accept the darkest parts of themselves.

We are not the stock characters we’d like to be. Those don’t exist in real life. In real life, we all fall somewhere in the middle. We’re all the brave, wretched, strong, hopeless, determined, awful anti-hero that we so loathe to watch on TV. We exist in shades of grey. We’re all the people we half-root for.

And perhaps that’s something we have to get more comfortable doing – half-supporting ourselves. Half loving what we’re doing with our lives and half working on it. Developing the ability to segregate the parts of ourselves we are proud of and the parts that are in progress. When we lump it all together, we get a black-or-white version of ourselves. And the amount of energy it takes to shift from one category into another seems insurmountable. We forget that we’re halfway there. We forget that it’s not all bad.

There are times when you just need to be the anti-hero of your own life. You need to look at yourself as you are – not as you have been or as you hope you will be – and understand that you are not entirely one way or another. You’re not a hero riding in on a white horse to save the day. You’re not a villain, trampling over others on your way to the top. You are, in every way, a little bit of both. You’re a person who has good intentions but sometimes-twisted methods. You’re a person who’s made some bad choices but wants to turn things around for themselves.

Because here’s the thing about anti-heroes: They always do turn things around. By the end of a movie, every character that started off as a bumbling, self-loathing mess changes into somebody we root for. It’s the very end of the archetype – to transform. To grow outside of themselves. To pick up the pieces and move on from what they once were. These are the characters we abhor but they should be the ones that we admire. Because they’re realer than any hero out there and they’re more honourable than any victim.

Being the anti-hero of our own lives is something we all need to strive for when we’re down on the floor. It’s not a weak character to play – it’s the strongest one imaginable. It’s one who knows that where they’ve been does not necessitate where they are going. That their dark parts do not have to overcome their brave ones. That as flawed and as scared and as hopeless of a situation as they’re in, they’re not waiting for someone else to come along and save the day. They’re going to pick up the pieces themselves.

Because that’s the thing about heroes – they are not born in real life. They’re made. They are the failures who kept fighting. The villains who repented. The catastrophes who clawed their way back up from rock bottom. And the anti-heroes who overcame themselves.

1. Focus On What You Have Right Now

Begin each day with a deep sense of gratitude. Express gratitude for the money you have, no matter how small or large. What has your income allowed you to buy this month? What bills has it allowed you to pay? Choose to focus on what you have, rather than what you’re lacking. Create a gratitude list, noting down all the financial blessings in your life – right down to finding a dollar down the back of the couch. Focus on the abundance that already exists, such as a roof over your head, nourishing food, and supportive relationships. By acknowledging and appreciating what you have, you open the door to more blessings to flow in effortlessly.

2. Abundance Affirmations

Harness the power of positive affirmations to reprogram your mind and shift your perception of money. Embrace affirmations like “I am a magnet for financial abundance,” “Money flows to me easily and effortlessly,” and “I am worthy of all the wealth that comes my way.” Repeat these affirmations daily, both in the morning and throughout the day, to reinforce your belief in your innate ability to attract prosperity. Your subconscious takes every thought as a command, so why not command it to focus on opportunities that could welcome more abundance into your life? 

3. Mindful Money Management

Take a mindful approach to your finances by creating a clear vision of your financial goals. Set aside time each week to review your income, expenses, and savings. Track your spending patterns, identifying areas where you can make conscious choices to align with your financial aspirations. The Universe likes it when we take control! Cultivate a sense of responsibility towards your money and treat it as a powerful tool for creating the life you desire. As you honor and respect your financial resources, the Universe responds by providing more opportunities for growth.

4. Generous Acts of Giving

Embrace the soul-filling art of giving to invite even more abundance into your life. Embody a generous spirit and find ways to contribute to others’ lives, whether through charitable donations, acts of kindness, a listening ear, or sharing your expertise. Abundance thrives in a cycle of flow, so as you give freely, you create space for more blessings to come your way. It’s what I like to call the Boomerang Effect. Trust that the universe will reciprocate your acts of generosity with increased prosperity, attracting new opportunities that align with your financial goals.

5. Abundance Journaling

Create an abundance journal to note your dreams, goals, and aspirations related to finances. Spend a few minutes each day writing down your vision of financial abundance in detail. Describe the lifestyle you desire, the experiences you want to have, and the impact you wish to make. Allow your words to paint a vivid picture of your prosperous future. This practice not only helps you clarify your desires but also sends a powerful message to the Universe about your intentions.

6. Visualization with Affirmative Action

Combine the power of visualization with affirmative action. Alongside visualizing your financial desires, take small, actionable steps each day to move closer to your goals. This can include creating a budget, setting up automatic savings, researching investment opportunities, or exploring side hustles. By combining visualization with tangible actions, you align your intentions with practical efforts, amplifying the manifestation process.

7. Surround Yourself with Abundance

And finally, surround yourself with people, objects, and experiences that radiate abundance – and this doesn’t have to mean money in the bank necessarily. Abundance is a state of mind. A person can feel rich in love, health, and creativity. Seek out uplifting and positive relationships with individuals who inspire and support your financial growth. Surround your living and working spaces with symbols of wealth and prosperity, such as abundance crystals, wealth affirmations, or vision boards showcasing your goals.

Poor communication.

If you and your partner are having lots of misunderstandings, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad communication. If you are having trouble expressing yourself or you avoid having deep or hard conversations about issues or about the future, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad. communication.

No matter if you are avoidant or just bad at communicating, if this problem is not addressed or fixed, both of you will continue to settle for the bare minimum, and that’s not what either of you deserve.

Lots of arguments.

Fighting is normal in any relationship. But if you’re picking fights with your partner and are finding that the conflicts are similar to those you’ve had with previous partners, then you could be reliving old patterns. On the other hand, if you’re avoiding fights altogether, you might be continuing a pattern of suppressing your own feelings for the sake of keeping the peace. You continue to people-please your way through the relationship.

Playing the same roles.

Maybe you were the caregiver in your last relationship. You were the people-pleaser, making sure your partner’s needs were taken care of before your own. If you don’t learn from this behavior and enter a new relationship being the caregiver again, you are ultimately going to continue this pattern over and over and over. You’re going to be settling for a partner who acts more like a child like they need to be taken care of.

You might find that you’re also drawn to people who have had similar characteristics or played the same role as an ex. You were in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, and now you’re in a relationship with someone else who is emotionally distant. You are unconsciously seeking out what’s familiar.

Fear of abandonment.

If you have a recurring fear of being abandoned, you might find that you’re bringing that into new relationships. With this fear, you are ultimately codependent, engaging in behaviors of people-pleasing and having a hard time setting boundaries. When you have a fear of abandonment, you might go to great lengths to avoid a breakup, even if that means tolerating unhealthy or abusive situations. Your fear of abandonment and being “unloved and alone” is so strong that you will settle for attachment, you will settle for the bare minimum.

People-pleasing.

If you find that you’re putting your partner’s needs and desires before your own, you are ultimately people-pleasing. If you are avoiding fights or compromising as a means of wanting to keep the peace, you’re people-pleasing. People-pleasing is an unhealthy learned behavior that can start very young, and getting out of that can be incredibly challenging. Even still, it’s necessary to, or else you will be carrying that into every relationship you will have.

Difficulty trusting.

Trust is crucial in any relationship. If you have a gut feeling about something or someone, that maybe something isn’t right or maybe your partner is untrustworthy, listen to that gut feeling. However, if you have a hard time trusting your partner even though they have never and will never give you a reason to doubt them, it might be an underlying issue you have to deal with.

Recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns is the first step to breaking said patterns. By addressing the underlying issues through therapy or counseling, you can then break the cycle and build healthier relationship dynamics.

Lonely Echoes of Hyper-Independence

In our relentless quest for self-sufficiency, we often find ourselves entangled in the web of hyper-independence, a silent struggle that leaves us grappling with solitude and emotional turmoil. The self-imposed bubble of extreme self-reliance can amplify our pre-existing mental health struggles, fostering a garden of anxiety and loneliness. There are moments where we enjoy these quiet periods alone, but other times, it forces us toward coping mechanisms that bear more pain than healing. It’s a lonely road, one that inadvertently leads to isolation.

A Life Unexplored

Hyper-independence deprives us of life’s vibrant tapestry. It’s like missing out on a symphony of human connection, intimate conversations, and the rapid feedback loop that a simple conversation provides. Our personal growth is stunted, as we shy away from learning about the world, others, and the enigmatic facets of our own selves. When we cling to our independence, we become voyagers on a solitary ship, ignoring the connected nature of self-discovery.

Love and Freedom in Conflict

For those engaged in long-term relationships, the perpetual craving for freedom can negatively affect the very bond they treasure. Prioritizing personal autonomy above all else creates emotional chasms, and your partner, the one you hold dear, may feel like a distant star. This can be particularly challenging when dreams of building a family and a shared life meet the headwinds of craving independence.

Harmony in Duality

In the tapestry of life, the key lies in weaving a harmonious balance between independence and interdependence. Excessive self-reliance might be a solitary desert, but the oasis of connection is what life is really about. Cherish the value of leaning on someone, feel the warmth of the embrace, and allow someone to guide you when you need direction. In this embrace of interconnectedness, you discover not only yourself but the rich symphony of existence itself.

In the end, independence is a precious gem, but recognize when it becomes a cage that inhibits your growth and prevents connections from flourishing. Embrace the beauty of interdependence and find the balance that lets you breathe deeply, share your joys and sorrows, and feel every possible human sentiment. It’s perfectly okay to seek help, to connect deeply with others, and to navigate the journey hand in hand, filling the chapters of life with love and understanding.

And, of course, there will be time to really get in-depth in all the psychological reasons behind buying stupid shit — and I’m sure there are many of them, and I will never be able to fully understand them all — but for now it’s important to at least call out the basic things that bring about an immediate sense of regret.

Unnecessary taxis: This is probably the most upsetting thing of them all, because you actually get to stew inside the cab as you watch the ticker go up, watch the city go by, and think of all the easy, convenient ways you could have gotten home (and hell, maybe gotten some exercise while you’re at it) if you weren’t lazy and awful. Taxis can be good in certain specific situations, but if I’m just too tired to change metros or don’t want to walk more than a certain number of blocks, I will always hate myself every second of the ride (and cringe at the charge when I eventually look at my account).

Expensive cocktails: I suppose, once in a while, these are fine. But that once in a while should be pretty few and far between, because expensive cocktails are insane. In New York, it’s not unusual to find bars with 15+ dollar drinks, and to see a basic cocktail at a decent-to-nice bar be about 12 dollars. And this is absurd. Aside from the fact that you can easily spend 50 dollars on A COUPLE OF DRINKS, the endgame is that you get a little tipsy, consume 1,000 liquid calories before you even eat, and pee it out a few hours later. Getting a drink at a bar is fine, but spending 13 dollars on some stupid gimlet that’s usually not even that good is just an enormous waste.

Trendy clothes that don’t look good on me: Something comes into style, I try it on, I see that it does not at all flatter my body, I buy it anyway because I’m at Zara and it’s only 30 bucks and after all that’s the price of two nice cocktails, right?? And then I never wear the stupid harem pant jumper or whatever it is, and am filled with hate every time I see it in my closet.

Lackluster beauty treatments: Here’s the thing about nails or hair or makeup or whatever: it has to be good to be worth it. And frankly, too many times I’ve gone in for a shoddy manicure in a color I didn’t really like, or a haircut at a salon that was both overpriced and understaffed, and I’ve come out not only feeling ugly, but also hating myself for spending unnecessarily. Aesthetic treatments should only be purchased when you are sure that the result is going to be good, because if there’s one thing worse than a shitty haircut, it’s having to see that shitty haircut in the mirror every morning and know that you paid 100 dollars for it. I don’t mind paying good money for beauty treatments, but taking the time to do the research for the right place (and knowing exactly what you want when you go) is of the utmost importance.

Pushy salesgirl purchases: One quality of mine that leads to a lot of regret-filled spending is my extreme anxiety when it comes to saying no to pushy salesgirls. They can smell it on me, and harass me with false compliments until I feel morally obligated to buy some ugly cardigan just to get them to leave me alone, and to feel that I did not waste their time. I have almost always hated everything I’ve bought because I felt like I needed to “justify my presence” in a store, or to appease a retail vulture. And granted, this is more psychological than anything else, but it still results in a lot of terrible purchases.

Unnecessary Seamless: This one, like taxis, needs to be qualified, because I don’t always regret the food I order in. Sometimes it’s a wonderful, even necessary thing, and it provides me with great joy and satisfaction. But I would say at least half of the time I order food, it’s because I’m profoundly lazy and tired or hungover, and don’t feel like taking a second to cook, run to the grocery store, or even go outside and eat the food in the restaurant like a functioning human. Because ordering in is often no less expensive than going out, even if it doesn’t feel quite as much of a commitment. And when it goes from being a luxury to a norm, you just start to feel like this gluttonous aristocrat who demands food be brought to them on a silver platter.

These are just the basic things, of course. And I’m sure there’s more that I haven’t thought of. But these are the kind of purchases that not only do I know are idiotic as I’m making them, but immediately come back to haunt me when I cringe at my checking account and realize that 250 dollars went into just delivery food, a stupid cardigan, and a couple taxis over the past week. 250 dollars is a lot of fucking money — enough money for a weekend in an AirBnB somewhere sweet and new and fun — and wasting it on pointless bullshit is the first ugly habit that must go.

1. It’s never comfortable at first.

No choice feels like the right choice in the beginning – that’s the cardinal rule of change. Think it as the same type of soreness that surfaces when you try a new workout routine – your muscles need time to adjust. And when you make a change, so does your mind. There’s going to be resistance at first. But all the good stuff is on the other side of that initial discomfort – if you let it stop you from the get-go you’re never going to see what amazing results could follow.

2. It’s going to call on skills you may not have yet.

Change is, by definition, going to demand a different version of yourself – one you may not be familiar with yet. This can be a cause for either panic or celebration. The bad news is that you may trip up as you step into a new set of shoes. The good news is that you get the incredible opportunity to grow into them – should you decide to take it.

3. Change is an investment, not a form of instant gratification.

Change isn’t necessarily going to make you happy on a day-to-day basis but it can and will pay off in the future if you’re doing it right. Sometimes the knowledge that things are on their way up is all the instant gratification you’ll get.

4. Frustration is a natural part of the process.

There is not a single transition on earth that does not frustrate us at one point or another. Some people use the frustration as an excuse to give up. Others recognize it for what it is – a normal reaction to a novel circumstance. Our brains get exasperated when they’re constantly encountering new stimuli – if we can only learn to be patient and kind with ourselves, adjusting to change becomes infinitely simpler.

5. Even good change is uncomfortable.

There is almost no change out there that isn’t a bit awkward at first. From meeting the love of your life to landing your dream job to taking a trip across the world, nothing is going to be sunshine and roses all the time. Accepting occasional unpleasantness as a natural part of change helps you push through it – it doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice!

6. You aren’t always going to be in control of change.

No matter how badly you want things to remain the same, the odd change is going to get forced onto you – and it’s going to be painful. But it doesn’t mean you’re totally out of control. You still have autonomy over your response to change – how you manage it, how you adjust to it and how you re-frame it. And taking charge of your own attitude can make all of the difference in the world.

7. It can take a very long time to adjust to change.

It can take us years to psychologically adjust to a change that happens literally overnight. We have to re-learn so much of what we thought we knew and that kind of learning takes time. We have to give ourselves time to adjust. Probably more time than we initially suspected.

8. You can’t stop change from happening. But you can decide what form it takes.

Change is a natural part of life. If we don’t make it happen proactively, it happens to us – and not always in the form we’d like. People who aren’t afraid of change know that the only way to get ahead of the game is to decide what they’d like to see happen, and to pursue it with everything they’ve got. Time is going to pass and change is going to happen no matter what – all we have control over is what that change looks like in the end.

Being calm isn’t a sign that the trauma never happened. Many times, it is a sign that the trauma was so severe the person had to dissociate to survive. It can also be a sign of resilience and desensitization after enduring too many traumas.

Complex trauma survivors and trauma survivors in general can dissociate during and after the traumatic experience. Their nervous system goes into survival mode and internal resources are used to survive the traumatic event rather than process or heal from it. As a result, they may feel detached from their own bodies or environment. Their brain has essentially tried to protect them from the full horror and impact of the traumatic event. For complex trauma survivors, this dissociation can be a way of life as the traumas they’ve endured tend to be ongoing and persistent. Emotional numbness and the diminished capacity to experience positive emotion are common. This is why people often remark in surprise when it comes to seemingly “calm” trauma survivors who may be in a state of shock or seem centered and in control. Trauma survivors can build up the psychological resilience akin to a sumo wrestler when it comes to life’s harshest adversity. They can build resources, coping strategies, and learn strategies that help them become resilient to traumas over time.  They can also become desensitized to chaos, especially if their nervous system was dysregulated by trauma early in life. However, healing often challenges survivors to re-sensitize themselves to some level of pain so they do not have to continue to tolerate injustices.

High-functioning trauma survivors can be successful overachievers. That doesn’t mean they don’t tackle internal dilemmas every day. In fact, achieving safety can unravel a whole new level of triggers.

Many high-functioning trauma survivors can achieve success and happiness. They can pursue their goals and dreams with fierce determination and can be highly accomplished, especially if their trauma is channeled as a catalyst for thriving. Yet that doesn’t mean their lives go on trigger-free. Triggers are a part of everyday life and can be a challenging, overwhelming part of the healing journey. In fact, achieving a certain level of safety often compels the brain to finally allow some of the traumas experienced to come to the surface because now it finally has the resources to address it whereas before it had to reserve its energy in keeping you alive and safe. That is why you may notice intrusive thoughts, memories, and flashbacks come back with an intensity in times of prolonged peace. Your brain survived a war zone. Now that it’s no longer in danger, it decides it’s ready for some processing and healing.

Sometimes a hypervigilant way of seeing the world isn’t “just” a trauma response but a highly sophisticated radar and system of intuition.

Trauma survivors are accustomed to society dismissing and minimizing their intuition, instincts, and ability to discern and identify toxic people and patterns as a “trauma response.” However, psychologists and researchers note that children who grow up in abusive homes can develop a finely tuned radar for danger. For example, Frankenhuis and colleagues (2013) reviewed research that showed that people with histories of childhood abuse have an enhanced ability to detect threats in their environment and an increased capacity for improved memories specifically when identifying relevant aspects and cues in their environment that point toward danger. This ability surpassed that of their non-traumatized peers. As a result of their “training” in reading the emotional states of others and learning to anticipate incoming danger, high-functioning trauma survivors may be able to pinpoint subtle clues and warnings well ahead of time, especially in the toxic people they encounter. The type of trauma endured also matters: while a combat veteran may have to adapt or unpack triggers relevant to a war zone that are no longer suitable or as relevant at home, a domestic violence or sexual assault survivor may still have valuable “learned” cues of danger that can help her anticipate similar predators in the future. It’s important to process your traumas with a trauma-informed mental health professional and identify whether or not you are experiencing triggers from the past that are unrelated to the present or whether your brain and body remember significant signals of danger that can help you recognize red flags in the present and predict disaster in the future.

How a trauma survivor reacts in one situation may not be how they react in another. This can be due to the situation at hand and different “Inner Parts.”

Trauma survivors themselves may feel especially baffled by the fact that they react in disparate or contradictory ways even across similar situations. That is because trauma creates fragmentation and can result in many different “inner parts.” One inner part may represent the wounded child who experienced the earliest traumas, while another part may be a “fighter” and defender who defends itself against anyone who threatens it. In one situation, a trauma survivor might fight back or leave quickly while in another they might “fawn” and people-please or freeze. Each situation can bring out a different “inner part” and trauma response especially for the complex trauma survivor. Some trauma responses are also more suitable for certain situations – for example, a trauma survivor who usually fights back or flees may find themselves fawning when they encounter a specific predator who they fear retaliation from. This is a strategic survival mechanism and should not be judged. Trauma can also cause a disconnect among emotions, thoughts, memories, sensations, and images; that is why it can be so difficult to create coherent narratives about the traumatic experience until one processes it. Depending on the person and situation and your unique trauma history, you might find yourself reacting very differently across various circumstances.

People are not “perfect” victims when they’ve been traumatized. They won’t always say or do the right thing.

The brain has unique and beautiful mechanisms for surviving trauma, but none of them are perfect nor should trauma victims be expected to be perfect. The ways trauma affect our brains can be complex and nuanced and differ from person to person, but generally speaking, trauma can dampen the parts of our brain that deal with decision-making, learning, memory, reasoning, attention and focus while sending our fight-or-flight responses into overdrive (or alternatively, mobilizing differently through freezing). While early childhood trauma survivors can have certain enhancements in these aspects specifically when it comes to threat-related cues, these parts of their brain may still be affected when it comes to other contexts or situations and are generally affected in trauma survivors overall. Trauma survivors are human and fallible just like anyone else, no matter how high-functioning.  For example, you may have gone a few healthy years avoiding dangerous people. However, after enduring a painful traumatic or life-threatening experience, you may find yourself attached or trauma bonded to a dangerous manipulator shortly after because you sought out relationships as a source of comfort. Or you may have lashed out at bullies or abusers due to chronic maltreatment in ways society didn’t understand and shamed. If so, give yourself grace. You deserve your own compassion. Most of the people judging you likely wouldn’t have been able to deal with the same adversity you did without reacting similarly. You never deserved the trauma you went through, and you don’t deserve any judgment or shame from anyone who has not lived your story. 

Survival and healing don’t always look the way you think it should. Sometimes survival is enough.

It’s true that high-functioning trauma survivors can meet all the milestones of what is seen as a thriving healing journey: in fact, in some cases they can be “wired” to be successful because they’ve learned how to tackle challenge after challenge using their resourcefulness, creativity, and natural talents. Thriving can be defined in many different ways and be multifaceted. Healing can look different for everyone and is personal to every survivor. All trauma survivors should celebrate these milestones, strengths, and successes while also allowing themselves room for safe “play” and relaxation.  They can enjoy what they’ve achieved while also permitting themselves room to grow, make mistakes and also acknowledge their humanity. You are allowed to rest and experience the safety and innocence of a childhood you may not have experienced. You don’t have to do it all, even if you’ve exceeded your own expectations. Sometimes surviving is enough. You are enough.

As such, here are four concrete signs you have a fear of vulnerability.

1. You have major walls up.

You’re extremely closed off and have a very difficult time being open with others, especially emotionally. You constantly hold pieces of yourself back and never say how you truly feel. You make sure to never reveal too much about yourself because you don’t trust other people to hold what you say with care. After all, they haven’t before. Why would you risk getting hurt again?

2. You keep everyone at an arm’s length.

You do this because it just feels “safer.” But you have to admit, it gets pretty lonely, too. But no matter how close you may want to be with someone else, you just can’t get yourself to bridge the distance. It feels too scary and painful.

3. You’re a perfectionist.

You’re absolutely terrified of making mistakes. Not only that, you will do everything you can to be “perfect” because you think that this will keep you safe and secure. After all, someone can’t reject perfection, right?

4. You’re afraid of people leaving you behind.

Finally, if you have a fear of vulnerability, you also most likely struggle with abandonment issues as well. These abandonment issues may present in a number of different ways. For example, you may try to be the perfect friend (see point three). Or perhaps you always leave before you have the opportunity to be left, especially when you feel yourself starting to let your walls down.

***

Vulnerability is necessary for loving and sincere connection and relationships. To be vulnerable means to be open with your emotions, your heart, and yourself. To be alive is to be vulnerable. And if you hold yourself back from experiencing true vulnerability, you also prevent yourself from living your fullest and most authentic life.

This includes physical, emotional, and interpersonal clutter which only serves to detract you from focusing on your personal growth. Self-care and self-love require the space and energy to expand yourself, improve yourself, and to reach higher levels of spiritual and psychological well-being. You can’t achieve this by allowing unnecessary excess in your life.

Clean the physical spaces where you live, because physical clutter can affect your mindset every day. An organized, tidy living space can do wonders for your mood and help you to complete tasks more quickly because everything has its place. Cut the toxic interactions with people you don’t need in your life which are only bringing you down. Stop allowing negative people to take up the space in your mind, heart and soul — they don’t belong there and the ruminations you’re engaging in over them are virtually useless. Refine your to-do list — stop trying to do a million things every day and instead, prioritize the main tasks which are most important to you and closest to what you value in life.

Remember, quality beats quantity when it comes to self-care, so invest only in relationships and friendships that make you happier, pursue only the goals that are true to your deepest desires, and save your energy and talent for those worthy of you.

2. Give yourself unconditional love every day, no matter what.

Unfortunately, no one can really give this to you except yourself. Human beings, while capable of extraordinary love and compassion for others, still love others conditionally. When I say unconditional love, I truly mean unconditional, unlimited, infinite love. It may seem impossible to achieve, but do the best you can to love yourself regardless of whatever circumstances you may have in your career, relationships, status, power, finances, and so forth.

I highly recommend reading the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant to understand how to enter into a mindset of self-love with a simple mantra. Loving yourself unconditionally also means loving all of you — your flaws, your strengths, your secrets, your weaknesses. Every part of you is important, unique, and worthy of love. When you give yourself unconditional love, you find yourself recognizing people who don’t give you the full acceptance you deserve, which makes it easier to clean out the interpersonal clutter as mentioned above.

3. Take care, holistically.

Creating a balance between work and play is essential to maintaining holistic self-care. Don’t focus just on one aspect of your life when it comes to self-care. Energize your body, nourish your spirit, and enlighten your mind. Meditation is important for your spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being. Yoga, Pilates, dance cardio, and running are great ways to get into shape and improve your mood. Eating mindfully will also help you to achieve optimal levels of energy and fitness while making your body less vulnerable to disease.

Writing, reading, and taking classes that interest you will keep your mind sharp, alert, and always learning. Don’t forget to maintain an active social life in the form of healthy relationships and friendships, as these are essential psychosocial resources that will serve as a crucial source of support and enhance your enjoyment of life.

4. Have high standards and stick to them.

Self-respect is crucial to self-care because it protects you from settling for less when you deserve the best. This is toxic to how you view yourself and how you allow others to treat you, your values and your boundaries. If you allow others to trample over your expectations constantly, you’re debasing your worth and chopping away at your self-esteem.

You might be afraid that if you have high standards for yourself, people might perceive you as a high-maintenance person and even abandon you in the process. Let them. It doesn’t matter — in fact, it’s probably a good thing that they do abandon you and reveal their true colors. At the end of the day, your opinion of yourself and what you deserve is all that truly matters in life.

Having high standards in your career and relationships protect you in the long-run from scammers, emotional predators, and exploiters from sucking you dry and leaving you drained. Think of things that fall below your standards as a bad business deal. You’re not getting what you need and want out of it, but the person on the other side is. It’s not worth the investment if someone else is benefiting from the positive return.

5. Pursue your true passions.

Life is too short to waste your energy by allocating resources into goals that are not truly your own. Caring for ourselves means remaining authentic and recognizing our true passions. Don’t be pressured into picking a certain career path just because society says it’s the right one for you; don’t always settle for crappy jobs just because they’ll pay the rent; don’t pursue a major just because of its financial rewards unless it’s something that really interests you.

Sometimes you will have to make do with what you have in order to survive, but be sure you’re still looking for ways to improve yourself and progress to something better and something that represents your true calling. For example, if you’re a waiter who dreams of writing the next big screenplay, continue working on it when you have the time. Setting aside time to pursue your dreams is important because these are things no one can take away from you. You own the right to all of your dreams and the ability to make them come to life.

The key is to still be practical, but also to be passionate. You were not meant to live this life doing just what is required to survive; you were meant to live life chasing your dreams. Don’t be afraid of failure, because failure is a learning experience that will strengthen you and prepare you to do better in the future.

Would you rather sit around and live in the regret of not knowing what would’ve happened if you had tried, or would you rather lead an exciting life by taking on risks and challenges that will ultimately lead you to what you were meant to do?

It’s okay to explore multiple interests and talents; you don’t have to limit yourself to one pursuit. However, if you do have that one dream that’s been pulling at your heartstrings, start chasing it now. If you want to write a book, start by writing a blog or start writing the chapters to the book. If you want to go back to school, start looking up different programs.

Take small steps today to start paving the path to tomorrow. Achieving long-term goals and big dreams are possible so long as you put the effort into making them happen. The most successful people I know are not just passive dreamers; they are active chasers who make an effort every day in order to accomplish their goals.

6. Minimize people-pleasing.

Nobody wins when it comes to people-pleasing, except a person on the receiving end that’s out to exploit you. Our tendency to people-please takes away from our authentic self, drains us of our energy, and deprives us of our ability to take care of ourselves in meaningful ways. By creating falsehoods in our relationships and interactions with others, we detract from who we were meant to be and pigeonhole ourselves into being who we’re not just to please others.

Be confident that who you are and the things you you want, feel, and experience are completely valid. You don’t have to change to gain someone else’s approval; if someone disapproves of you, that’s okay. Rejection is not about your self-worth — it’s about another person’s wants, needs and preferences. Don’t see it as a selfish thing to honor your true self; it’s not selfish, it’s self-care and self-love.

7. Be mindful.

Many of us go through life mindlessly and this detracts from our experience of present joy. This mindlessness is exacerbated by our fast-paced, technologically advanced society. We are so absorbed in social media and the buzz of our phone that we forget to appreciate the everyday, simple pleasures that come our way. The humming of the birds, the color of the sky, the beauty of someone’s smile, the colorful and delicious food in front of us — these are all things we should be mindfully enjoying, and neuroscience research supports that mindfulness can enhance the parts of our brains that contribute to better emotional regulation.

Being attentive, aware and alert to our surroundings and the present moment is vital to experiencing each moment of life more fully and enhancing its joy. So make sure to take at least a couple of hours each day where you release yourself from the distractions of technology and enjoy nature, be engaged with whomever you’re with, and immerse yourself in the conversation you’re having.

If you need help in doing this, start writing in a journal about the various things you observed during the day and how attentive you were to them. It takes practice to be more mindful in everyday life, but it’s a worthy practice since it greatly enhances your experience of life’s everyday moments.

8. Cultivate a lifelong habit of gratitude and abundance mindset.

Being grateful shouldn’t be set aside for the holidays; it should be a way of life. Think of gratitude as another important component of mindfulness and as a lifelong habit that should be practiced every day. It teaches you to be mindful of the things you take for granted every day, from basic things like your ability to see and walk to the bigger accomplishments like having a good job, access to education or a supportive network of friends.

Whether during times of strife or times of bliss, it’s helpful to write in a gratitude journal and take note of all the things you have in your life — remember, these are the same things that other people may be praying for.

9. Give back to the world you live in.

Remember how we talked about your unique talents and goals? This is one of the best incentives for exploring them. You are part of a larger world that needs your help. Whether it’s through volunteering, research, activism, teaching, there are a myriad of ways to give. Find creative and engaging ways to help others whenever possible, whether its sharing resources or investing your time and energy into a cause you care about.

You are here for a purpose and that purpose is tied to benefiting this world in positive ways. As you learn to love and care for yourself better, you’ll also have more positive energy, love and compassion to give to those around you. Embrace your destiny and change the world.

10. Honor and validate your feelings. All of them.

As someone who would qualify as a HSP (highly sensitive person), I know how tough it can be to honor and validate your feelings in a world that’s becoming highly desensitized to emotions and meaningful relationships. However, this last self-care commandment is perhaps the most important one of all. If you can’t honor and validate your own emotions, you’ll allow others to belittle and invalidate them, which means you’re permit toxic people to enter your life without thinking twice.

You’ll make yourself vulnerable to gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, and abuse. You’ll settle for less because you believe that your feelings don’t matter. Guess what? They do. You have to live with your emotions every day. That’s why it is so vital that you learn to honor them.

Validate every emotion you have, even if you think it’s inappropriate or “wrong” somehow. Emotions aren’t meant to be rational, by the way. They are meant to be signals that provide information about situations you’re experiencing or thoughts that you’re having. Honoring and validating your emotions means telling yourself, “It’s okay that I have these feelings. It’s valid that I have them. These emotions are telling me something about this experience. Now I have a choice on how to react to them.”

You don’t have to make your decisions based on your emotions alone, but you should consider them in the decision-making process when it comes to relationships, friendships and personal goals. Honor your feelings and you’ll honor yourself. | For more work like this, check out my book on manifesting self-love and abundance, Powerful Alchemy.

The dark feminine is code for rebirth, female empowerment, shadow work, and owning your power. It is associated with dark feminine goddesses like Hecate and Lilith. Here are some powerful signs you’ve entered your dark feminine era:

You’ve tapped into your anger and shadow side strategically to heal and defend yourself. 

Society may have conditioned you to be demure, polite, and quiet, but when you’ve entered your dark feminine era, all bets are off. You’re no longer afraid of your anger and you’re not afraid to use it constructively to benefit yourself and your goals. You look at your suppressed emotions and traumas, even the ones society calls taboo, with compassion and understanding. You use it to motivate you toward achieving your greatest dreams. You give grace to your inner child and become everything that child ever needed—a protector, a defender, a fighter, an encourager. Being in touch with your sacred primal rage in response to injustice is just one step to owning your true power and setting the boundaries you deserved to have all along.

You’re an alchemist and turn everything into gold.

You’ve become a master manifester. That’s because by merging the light and dark sides of yourself, you’ve become more integrated and whole. As a result, you may find yourself achieving massive abundance. Entering your dark feminine era is all about transmutation. The most powerful women are the ones who use everything meant to destroy them to fuel their greatest victories. When you’re fully in your power, you’llget to have the decadent experience of watching the tables turn—even after a life of adversity.

Narcissists and other toxic people are now scared of you instead of the other way around. 

Narcissists and otherwise toxic people may seem hesitant to approach you because they sense you’d be too discerning and difficult to manipulate. When you’re in your dark feminine era, you’re inevitably intimidating to those who want to manipulate you into settling for less and those who want you to underestimate your worth. They sense your cutthroat confidence is deep and unwavering. In your dark feminine era, you prioritize yourself.

You’ve stopped being the “good girl.”People pleasing is a no-go.

When you’ve entered your dark feminine era, you begin honoring yourself as sacred. You recognize your own divinity and have no need to place others or their needs on a pedestal. Instead, you ensure that your boundaries and standards are air-tight and have reverence for yourself. You celebrate your good qualities and own your imperfections. You evaluate who is truly worthy of being in your life. You no longer wait for approval. You put yourself on the pedestal and approve of yourself.

You’re ruthless—in a good way.

Think Arya Stark from Game of Thrones energy—without all the literal bloodshed of course.You no longer hold back when it comes to pursuing your goals, dreams, mission—and justice. You’re not above being someone’s karma if it means they get a well-deserved lesson on how to treat others. As far as you’re concerned, you’re just balancing the scales of the universe and protecting the most vulnerable in society from harm.   

You are in control of your sexuality and harness it powerfully.

The dark feminine era is connected to the seductive femme fatale archetype we all know and love. But entering your dark feminine era means that you use your sexuality in a way that fully empowers you—not as a resource exploited by others. You make your own pleasure and safety a priority and harness your sexuality productively to create and connect with those who nurture you.  

You have detached from toxic relationships and friends.

You find yourself detaching from toxic people, friends, and family members who no longer serve your growth. These are the same envious friends and partners who have been holding you back all along and asking you to shrink for their convenience. Now you understand that you have every right to take up space.

You don’t tolerate bullshit—from anyone, no matter who they are.

You’re not afraid of being perceived as being selfish by toxic people and you’re willing to be alone if it means you get to honor yourself. You’re not afraid of challenging authority and social norms. You’re okay with being the “villain” in the true villain’s story because you find validation within. For you, it is more important to be faithful to yourself and your core values than to bend to a society or system that seeks to subdue you.  

You speak up for yourself and stand up to injustice.

You find yourself using your voice more than you ever did in the past. You now advocate for yourself in areas where you previously abandoned or neglected yourself and your needs. Whether or not the perpetrators of harm take accountability, you know your worth and you know you have the right to defend and protect yourself.  

You exude a confident and magnetic “royalty”energy.

A queen doesn’tsettle for less and the dark feminine era is no different. You are magnetic to amazing opportunities and people because you finally knowthat youalways have been andare completely worthy and enough. You fully embody and express yourself, celebrating your talents, gifts, accomplishments, inner and outer qualities without shame or regret. This is not hubris: it’s healthy pride. You’ve woken up to the truth of the true power you possess within you to create your reality and tone who you are on your own terms- and there’s no going back.