Settling in love isn’t easy to admit, let alone recognize. It’s a subtle and gradual process.

Here are some signs it’s not love, you’re just settling:

You’re not passionate anymore.

You’re not passionate about the relationship anymore. You don’t feel excited when your partner walks into the room. You don’t want to jump their bones and make out with them the way you once did. Your sex life is unfulfilling. You don’t get butterflies when they text you. There’s no spark or enthusiasm anymore–it has completely faded away.

You have a fear of loneliness.

When you’re settling in love, you’re ultimately filling a void of some kind. And that void is loneliness.

You’re staying in the relationship because you are dependent on them. According to psychologists, codependency stems from a lack of self-worth and a deep-rooted need for approval from others. (Sorry but it’s true.)

You’re also staying in the relationship because you’re afraid of being single and alone, and that shouldn’t be the case. You should be with someone who you genuinely love and are genuinely happy to be with, not just because they make you feel less alone.

You’re lowering your standards.

If you’re settling in your relationship, you are ultimately lowering your standards for what you want in a partner and a relationship. Maybe you accept mistreatment. Maybe your partner doesn’t meet your bare minimum needs and you don’t speak up to ask for what you deserve. Maybe you have ultimately resigned yourself to the relationship, believing that this is the best you can do. “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

You deserve more. Your needs aren’t too much. Your standards aren’t too high. You’re simply settled in a relationship with the wrong person.

You’re feeling underappreciated and unsupported.

If you’re feeling unappreciated or unsupported in your relationship, then there’s a good chance you’re settling. Your partner should support your goals, dreams, and ambitions. They should lift you up and make you feel good, secure, confident, and unstoppable. They should be proud of you and want to show you off. Their lack of support and unappreciation is not something you should settle for.

You’re emotionally detached.

You might be feeling emotionally detached in the relationship. You don’t feel a strong emotional connection with your partner anymore. You don’t have those deep conversations anymore. You don’t feel that compassion and tenderness towards them or the relationship anymore. Overall, you’re just numb.

You’re comparing your relationship to others.

If you see your friends in relationships and think, They look so happy. Am I happy like that? there’s a good chance you’re settling in your relationship. You’re comparing your relationship to others and feeling a bit unfulfilled and like you should be happier. You can’t help but feel like something is missing like everyone else has a perfectly happy relationship and you don’t. Not only are you comparing your relationship to others, but you might also find yourself often daydreaming about being in a different, more fulfilling relationship with someone else. You wonder what would that be like.

You’re ignoring your gut feelings and the red flags.

This is one of the biggest signs you are settling in love. You ignore the red flags and continue on wearing the rose-colored glasses. You don’t acknowledge your gut feelings and instead, you suppress them. You do this simply because you’re afraid of being alone or having to start over.

You’re feeling complacent, not comfortable.

There’s a difference between comfort and complacency. When you’re comfortable in your relationship, you are more than likely safe with your partner. You feel secure and content. When you’re complacent, however, you’re ultimately letting yourself remain stuck in the relationship simply because it’s familiar, not because it brings you security, fulfillment, and happiness.

Am I actually ready to define the relationship, or am I still figuring out how I feel?

The DTR conversation is a big step. It should only happen if you’re feeling concrete in your feelings for this person. Do you need to know everything? Do you need to feel like you’ve found the one? Not at all. But if you’re still trying to figure out if you even like them, you might want to put the conversation on hold.

Am I comfortable making this official?

Defining the relationship, taking things to the next level, doesn’t happen in a vacuum. If you’re committing to being something serious, that includes letting the people in your bubble–and outside of it–know exactly who you are to each other.

Am I ignoring any red flags or deal breakers?

Don’t jump the gun. While everything might look rosy, you could be blinded by new love. Don’t ignore bad behaviors or incompatibilities just because you don’t want to be alone.

Is this what I want, or what society says I should have?

Examine where your desire to DTR is coming from. Society? Your prospective partner? Internal biases? At the end of the day, you should make things serious only if you naturally want this from the person you’re dating, and not because you’re “supposed to.”

Do I like this person, or just the idea of them?

Are you entering into a relationship with this person for who they actually are, or what they sound like on paper? They may check all the boxes, but you need that magical chemistry in order for this to be a good match.

Do I like them, or do I just want a relationship?

Don’t rush into something just to avoid being alone. It’s not worth it, babe.

Does this person make me feel good about myself and about the relationship?

Someone can seem like a great fit for you, but still be a bad match. Stick with people who make you feel comfortable being yourself. And how about the relationship? Does it feel right? These are bare minimum must-haves if you’re going to take this relationship to the next level.

Does monogamy feel right for me? With this person?

The usual outcome for the DTR is to decide if you both want to commit to each other. Before you have the conversation, make sure monogamy feels right to you. And while you might like the idea in general, you need to like the idea of specifically being monogamous with them. Of course, polyamorous relationships exist, too, so if you want that, be prepared to bring it up.

Do I have enough space to commit to this person in the way that they need?

Everyone’s coming into this conversation with an idea of what they want and need. Not only should you be thinking about what they want, but you should also consider if you can be what they want as well. Everything needs to be aligned.

What does the ideal relationship look like to me?

You aren’t just having this conversation to decide to be together. You’re also letting them know what that should look like. Do you want to be together all the time or do you like space? Do you need regular emotional support? What’s your fighting style and is it compatible with theirs? There’s so much more to this than a simple, “Yes, let’s make this official.”

Am I prepared to be a loving partner?

Can you actually be the loving partner that someone needs? Don’t commit to something if you’re not ready or you can provide the experience that your partner wants.

1. You clicked immediately.

There was truly no awkwardness when you first met one another. You both felt an immediate connection upon meeting and were riffing off one another from the first day. It was almost like you were meant to become friends.

2. You’re interested in the same things.

As you grew closer, you began to realize how much you two have in common. For example, maybe you both adore poetry or perhaps you share a mutual love for romantic comedies. Whatever the case, you enjoy spending time together, bonding over your many shared interests.

3. You match each other’s energy.

You are both always on the same wavelength and match each other’s energy with absolute precision. You’re able to riff off each other’s jokes with ease. You can exist in comfortable silence together. You can even communicate without saying anything at all (i.e. giving each other the Let’s Go Home Look at a party).

4. You feel safe in each other’s presence.

There’s a true sense of safety when it comes to one another. You just bring each other peace. There is no drama, there is no tension, there is no anxiety. Just utter platonic bliss.

5. There is reciprocity.

You show up for them and they show up for you. You support each other in a balanced and healthy way. There isn’t any resentment or keeping score because there is complete reciprocity when it comes to your friendship.

6. You are loyal to one another.

You have an unbreakable bond, one that withstands petty arguments or even major disagreements. You can’t imagine life without them, and they can’t imagine life without you, so you both are committed to doing the work to make your friendship last.

7. You feel like you’ve known them for longer than you actually have.

It’s almost as if you knew each other in a past life and happened to find them in the this one. You consider this person to be more than a friend; they’re your platonic soulmate.

Poor communication.

If you and your partner are having lots of misunderstandings, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad communication. If you are having trouble expressing yourself or you avoid having deep or hard conversations about issues or about the future, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad. communication.

No matter if you are avoidant or just bad at communicating, if this problem is not addressed or fixed, both of you will continue to settle for the bare minimum, and that’s not what either of you deserve.

Lots of arguments.

Fighting is normal in any relationship. But if you’re picking fights with your partner and are finding that the conflicts are similar to those you’ve had with previous partners, then you could be reliving old patterns. On the other hand, if you’re avoiding fights altogether, you might be continuing a pattern of suppressing your own feelings for the sake of keeping the peace. You continue to people-please your way through the relationship.

Playing the same roles.

Maybe you were the caregiver in your last relationship. You were the people-pleaser, making sure your partner’s needs were taken care of before your own. If you don’t learn from this behavior and enter a new relationship being the caregiver again, you are ultimately going to continue this pattern over and over and over. You’re going to be settling for a partner who acts more like a child like they need to be taken care of.

You might find that you’re also drawn to people who have had similar characteristics or played the same role as an ex. You were in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, and now you’re in a relationship with someone else who is emotionally distant. You are unconsciously seeking out what’s familiar.

Fear of abandonment.

If you have a recurring fear of being abandoned, you might find that you’re bringing that into new relationships. With this fear, you are ultimately codependent, engaging in behaviors of people-pleasing and having a hard time setting boundaries. When you have a fear of abandonment, you might go to great lengths to avoid a breakup, even if that means tolerating unhealthy or abusive situations. Your fear of abandonment and being “unloved and alone” is so strong that you will settle for attachment, you will settle for the bare minimum.

People-pleasing.

If you find that you’re putting your partner’s needs and desires before your own, you are ultimately people-pleasing. If you are avoiding fights or compromising as a means of wanting to keep the peace, you’re people-pleasing. People-pleasing is an unhealthy learned behavior that can start very young, and getting out of that can be incredibly challenging. Even still, it’s necessary to, or else you will be carrying that into every relationship you will have.

Difficulty trusting.

Trust is crucial in any relationship. If you have a gut feeling about something or someone, that maybe something isn’t right or maybe your partner is untrustworthy, listen to that gut feeling. However, if you have a hard time trusting your partner even though they have never and will never give you a reason to doubt them, it might be an underlying issue you have to deal with.

Recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns is the first step to breaking said patterns. By addressing the underlying issues through therapy or counseling, you can then break the cycle and build healthier relationship dynamics.

You’ve grown into a more complete version of yourself.

You’ve had plenty of time alone, which gave you the opportunity to discover different sides of yourself. You know who you are, what you want, and where you’re heading in the future. You’ve learned valuable lessons, like how to compromise and how to express your needs, so the relationship will start off strong and remain strong. You know how to be a good friend to yourself, which means you can be a good friend to your partner.

You already know what you want and don’t want from another person.

Even if you don’t have much experience in relationships, you’ve learned what you need in a friend or business partner. You recognize what type of person meshes well with you and who you should stay far away from. Since you know yourself so well, you aren’t going to have any doubts about the person you end up choosing. You will feel confident that they’re the right person for you. After all, you know you won’t tolerate treatment that is beneath you. You know this person is worth it if you’re taking a chance on them.  

You’ve already established yourself in other areas.

You don’t have to worry about your person distracting you from following your dreams because you’ve already reached certain dreams. You’ve already created a set routine for yourself. You might have to rearrange your schedule a little to account for your new relationship, but you won’t sacrifice your biggest hopes and dreams for another person. You’ll be able to prioritize what matters the most to you and create a healthy balance.

You know you can live without them.

Instead of being scared of losing them, you’ll appreciate the fact that you have them since it took you so long to find each other. You’ll cherish every moment that you spend together. You’ll be thankful that your paths crossed. Plus, you know that you would be able to survive without them if you ever broke up so you don’t have to stress too much. You can simply enjoy the now without worrying about what comes next.

You’ll pay less attention to milestone markers.

You already watched most of your friends get married. You already know what it’s like feeling behind. Since you’ve already learned the lesson that different relationships move at different paces, and have already accepted that your life isn’t going to follow the timeline you expected it to when you were younger, you won’t feel pressured to catch up. You can move at a pace that makes you two comfortable. You can worry about your happiness instead of worrying about what society thinks.

I went through life like a regular person, exploring ideas, dating people, taking jobs I cared about or didn’t, making mistakes. I never felt like I was fully ‘right,’ like I had everything together, like everything made perfect sense. Until it did.

Until, suddenly, there wasn’t any doubt in my mind. Until I felt a sense of peace in my heart, in my soul. Until I realized that all the time before I’d been running around, searching in the wrong places, bouncing from thing to thing never feeling satisfied or like I belonged. Until I realized that my life had the potential to be good, really good, if I simply let it.

I’d always been told that the ‘right’ things will come. People I looked up to cautioned me to not settle for anything less than what felt absolutely perfect—and not that it would stay that way, but that I shouldn’t compromise out of fear, or time, or circumstance. That I should fall when I’m ready into arms that are ready in return. That I should only accept a job if it tugs at my heartstrings. That I should chase any dream or goal that gives me shivers, without looking back.

I was reminded, time and time again, that things would fall into place when I trusted God’s plan instead of trying to carve my own. That when I finally surrendered all my selfish desires in exchange for His story, I would find peace. I would find my purpose. I would find where I was meant to be.

And I spent so much time fighting that, thinking I knew everything, knew what was ‘right,’ knew who I was. I spent so much damn time ignoring, trying to pretend relationships were healthy or jobs were fun when I knew, deep down, that wasn’t the truth.

I thought I could simply make things work out in my favor if I just ignored all those feelings in the back of my mind that this wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing, who I was supposed to be. But the truth was, the more I tried to shut out those inner doubts, the more they surfaced.

Until I was forced to acknowledge the truth of that old cliché—when it’s right you’ll know—and it wasn’t right, I could feel it.

People I loved, people I admired, even Christians who first sparked my faith told me that I would feel a calm in my chest, feel the Spirit working through me, feel some sort of confirmation that I was on the right track, with the right person, doing the right thing. And I didn’t understand what they meant until I felt that exact thing.

The truth is, when it’s right, you will know. You will have this sense of everything around you—peace, understanding, joy, rest. You won’t be afraid.

You’ll know that things might not always stay ‘right,’ and they definitely won’t be perfect, but that wasn’t what you were searching for anyways. You’ll know that opportunities and people will fall together and fall apart in the natural progression of life, but you’ll have this inner mantra, inner verification of all that you’ve been searching for finally coming to fruition.

You’ll feel like God is speaking to you, like your mind has finally opened, like your soul can finally dance and sing and be filled. You’ll look at the person you’re with and see all their blemishes and bruises and messy past and accept them, love them, choose them because they are yours, and what you have is real.

You’ll understand why it didn’t work out with the people who came before, why that old job didn’t satisfy the longing in your chest, why you always felt like something was missing, or off, or incomplete. You’ll send a prayer to the sky for all that you’ve finally realized—when you let go and let Him, true beauty blooms everywhere you touch.

But most of all, you’ll understand the meaning behind that old cliché. That we spend our days searching, wandering, desperate for something real so much so, we settle for anything close instead of being patient and letting what’s meant to be find us. That when we find what’s right, we’ll understand somewhere deep inside our hearts. That without a doubt, we’ll know.

You will feel ashamed for accepting anything less. You will feel ashamed for not asking for your needs to be met. You will feel ashamed for accepting crumbs and saying it kept you full.

It’s okay to feel that shame. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself. But what’s not okay is letting it convince you that your mistreatment was your fault. What’s not okay is recognizing this and still continuing to abandon yourself.

Accepting anything less than you deserved in a relationship was an act of self-abandonment. It was a coping mechanism that stemmed from self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a desire to please others. It’s a very common behavior, one that needs to be unlearned.

You kept yourself small for fear that they would think you were too much. You kept yourself quiet for fear of rejection. You accepted less than you deserved because you convinced yourself–and this other person–that that was all you were worth.

When you finally learn what you deserve, you will put in the effort to stand up for yourself and ask for your needs to be met. You will no longer accept the bare minimum as enough. You will no longer look at love through rose-colored glasses, convincing yourself This is all there is for me. You will no longer accept a love that is too small, too delicate, too quiet. You will finally believe that you deserve so much more.

Lonely Echoes of Hyper-Independence

In our relentless quest for self-sufficiency, we often find ourselves entangled in the web of hyper-independence, a silent struggle that leaves us grappling with solitude and emotional turmoil. The self-imposed bubble of extreme self-reliance can amplify our pre-existing mental health struggles, fostering a garden of anxiety and loneliness. There are moments where we enjoy these quiet periods alone, but other times, it forces us toward coping mechanisms that bear more pain than healing. It’s a lonely road, one that inadvertently leads to isolation.

A Life Unexplored

Hyper-independence deprives us of life’s vibrant tapestry. It’s like missing out on a symphony of human connection, intimate conversations, and the rapid feedback loop that a simple conversation provides. Our personal growth is stunted, as we shy away from learning about the world, others, and the enigmatic facets of our own selves. When we cling to our independence, we become voyagers on a solitary ship, ignoring the connected nature of self-discovery.

Love and Freedom in Conflict

For those engaged in long-term relationships, the perpetual craving for freedom can negatively affect the very bond they treasure. Prioritizing personal autonomy above all else creates emotional chasms, and your partner, the one you hold dear, may feel like a distant star. This can be particularly challenging when dreams of building a family and a shared life meet the headwinds of craving independence.

Harmony in Duality

In the tapestry of life, the key lies in weaving a harmonious balance between independence and interdependence. Excessive self-reliance might be a solitary desert, but the oasis of connection is what life is really about. Cherish the value of leaning on someone, feel the warmth of the embrace, and allow someone to guide you when you need direction. In this embrace of interconnectedness, you discover not only yourself but the rich symphony of existence itself.

In the end, independence is a precious gem, but recognize when it becomes a cage that inhibits your growth and prevents connections from flourishing. Embrace the beauty of interdependence and find the balance that lets you breathe deeply, share your joys and sorrows, and feel every possible human sentiment. It’s perfectly okay to seek help, to connect deeply with others, and to navigate the journey hand in hand, filling the chapters of life with love and understanding.

So, you give him more time. You remain patient and understanding. You pick up the slack. You plan the dates, initiate conversations, listen to his problems, and wait for him to be “ready” for a more serious relationship. You compromise and compromise and compromise until you eventually have no room left to bend.

Here’s the truth: In a way, it is you. But not because you’re the problem but because you’re settling for less than you deserve. You’re putting up with receiving the bare minimum or less because you’re in love with the idea of who he could be, not who he truly is.

If he wanted to give you more, he would. If he wanted to make a serious commitment, he would. If he wanted to give you more than the bare minimum, he would.

So, save the paragraph text because the best response to a bare minimum man is going no contact. No contact takes away his power. No contact takes away his chance to sweet talk you into staying. No contact gives you the chance to find the person who is worthy of you and your time. Revoke his access to you because he doesn’t deserve it.

Please stop wasting your breath on men who only waste your time. Go where you’re appreciated, not taken for granted. Go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated. Your heart will thank you.

1.  Real love will provide a safe holding space for you – a safe haven to return to in times of distress and lift you up even more in times of celebration. A toxic soul contract may feel fated (your souls will appear to recognize each other instantly even in different physical bodies), but it will keep you away from your true destiny. In a toxic soul contract with a“karmic soulmate,” you will be thrown into a tumultuous power struggle and imbalance with someone who refuses to see your value. You will battle insecurities you never had manufactured in you by the toxic partner, feel diminished, compared to others, and challenged to survive rather than thrive. You will spend more time agonizing over the toxicity of your relationship than staying connected to and pursuing your soul’s true purpose. In a truly loving relationship, you will feel encouraged to pursue your dreams and your partner’s faith and investment in you will cause you to expand rather than shrink or dim your light. 

Some people may hold the spiritual belief that this experience is due to trying to address energetic ties and unfinished business you had with this person throughout past lives, but it’s important to realize that if you are in any kind of emotional or physical danger, you do not need to resolve such toxic connections and may find it more empowering to walk away in this current “soul contract” or relationship. In fact, the ability to set healthy boundaries, stand up for yourself, and pursue the good you truly deserve can be one of the most powerful soul lessons you can learn.

2. You will feel encouraged to speak your truth in a loving relationship filled with mutual trust and respect. In a toxic relationship or soul contract, you will often be punished, shamed, and ridiculed for having differing perspectives or expressing your emotions. This can be a powerful life lesson as it tests you to hold on more strongly to your boundaries, but it is also not a healthy relationship if you feel silenced and admonished when you share your soul’s truth. Real love will allow you to assert yourself in a healthy way without fearing abandonment.

3. A toxic relationship with a partner that runs hot and cold will be filled with euphoric highs but also intense lows that deplete and exhaust you. A toxic soul contract is more about trauma bonding rather than fostering a healthy connection. Love will nourish you more than it takes from you. Love will add more balance to your life, encouraging you to take the path of self-love and self-respect. You will value yourself even more in a loving relationship because it will remind you of all your gifts in this world, your divinity, and your inner strength and beauty. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship or any kind of toxic “soul contract,” understand that you have the free will to break away and pursue a different path – one that recognizes your worth, and does not detract from it.