1. It’s never comfortable at first.

No choice feels like the right choice in the beginning – that’s the cardinal rule of change. Think it as the same type of soreness that surfaces when you try a new workout routine – your muscles need time to adjust. And when you make a change, so does your mind. There’s going to be resistance at first. But all the good stuff is on the other side of that initial discomfort – if you let it stop you from the get-go you’re never going to see what amazing results could follow.

2. It’s going to call on skills you may not have yet.

Change is, by definition, going to demand a different version of yourself – one you may not be familiar with yet. This can be a cause for either panic or celebration. The bad news is that you may trip up as you step into a new set of shoes. The good news is that you get the incredible opportunity to grow into them – should you decide to take it.

3. Change is an investment, not a form of instant gratification.

Change isn’t necessarily going to make you happy on a day-to-day basis but it can and will pay off in the future if you’re doing it right. Sometimes the knowledge that things are on their way up is all the instant gratification you’ll get.

4. Frustration is a natural part of the process.

There is not a single transition on earth that does not frustrate us at one point or another. Some people use the frustration as an excuse to give up. Others recognize it for what it is – a normal reaction to a novel circumstance. Our brains get exasperated when they’re constantly encountering new stimuli – if we can only learn to be patient and kind with ourselves, adjusting to change becomes infinitely simpler.

5. Even good change is uncomfortable.

There is almost no change out there that isn’t a bit awkward at first. From meeting the love of your life to landing your dream job to taking a trip across the world, nothing is going to be sunshine and roses all the time. Accepting occasional unpleasantness as a natural part of change helps you push through it – it doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice!

6. You aren’t always going to be in control of change.

No matter how badly you want things to remain the same, the odd change is going to get forced onto you – and it’s going to be painful. But it doesn’t mean you’re totally out of control. You still have autonomy over your response to change – how you manage it, how you adjust to it and how you re-frame it. And taking charge of your own attitude can make all of the difference in the world.

7. It can take a very long time to adjust to change.

It can take us years to psychologically adjust to a change that happens literally overnight. We have to re-learn so much of what we thought we knew and that kind of learning takes time. We have to give ourselves time to adjust. Probably more time than we initially suspected.

8. You can’t stop change from happening. But you can decide what form it takes.

Change is a natural part of life. If we don’t make it happen proactively, it happens to us – and not always in the form we’d like. People who aren’t afraid of change know that the only way to get ahead of the game is to decide what they’d like to see happen, and to pursue it with everything they’ve got. Time is going to pass and change is going to happen no matter what – all we have control over is what that change looks like in the end.

Being calm isn’t a sign that the trauma never happened. Many times, it is a sign that the trauma was so severe the person had to dissociate to survive. It can also be a sign of resilience and desensitization after enduring too many traumas.

Complex trauma survivors and trauma survivors in general can dissociate during and after the traumatic experience. Their nervous system goes into survival mode and internal resources are used to survive the traumatic event rather than process or heal from it. As a result, they may feel detached from their own bodies or environment. Their brain has essentially tried to protect them from the full horror and impact of the traumatic event. For complex trauma survivors, this dissociation can be a way of life as the traumas they’ve endured tend to be ongoing and persistent. Emotional numbness and the diminished capacity to experience positive emotion are common. This is why people often remark in surprise when it comes to seemingly “calm” trauma survivors who may be in a state of shock or seem centered and in control. Trauma survivors can build up the psychological resilience akin to a sumo wrestler when it comes to life’s harshest adversity. They can build resources, coping strategies, and learn strategies that help them become resilient to traumas over time.  They can also become desensitized to chaos, especially if their nervous system was dysregulated by trauma early in life. However, healing often challenges survivors to re-sensitize themselves to some level of pain so they do not have to continue to tolerate injustices.

High-functioning trauma survivors can be successful overachievers. That doesn’t mean they don’t tackle internal dilemmas every day. In fact, achieving safety can unravel a whole new level of triggers.

Many high-functioning trauma survivors can achieve success and happiness. They can pursue their goals and dreams with fierce determination and can be highly accomplished, especially if their trauma is channeled as a catalyst for thriving. Yet that doesn’t mean their lives go on trigger-free. Triggers are a part of everyday life and can be a challenging, overwhelming part of the healing journey. In fact, achieving a certain level of safety often compels the brain to finally allow some of the traumas experienced to come to the surface because now it finally has the resources to address it whereas before it had to reserve its energy in keeping you alive and safe. That is why you may notice intrusive thoughts, memories, and flashbacks come back with an intensity in times of prolonged peace. Your brain survived a war zone. Now that it’s no longer in danger, it decides it’s ready for some processing and healing.

Sometimes a hypervigilant way of seeing the world isn’t “just” a trauma response but a highly sophisticated radar and system of intuition.

Trauma survivors are accustomed to society dismissing and minimizing their intuition, instincts, and ability to discern and identify toxic people and patterns as a “trauma response.” However, psychologists and researchers note that children who grow up in abusive homes can develop a finely tuned radar for danger. For example, Frankenhuis and colleagues (2013) reviewed research that showed that people with histories of childhood abuse have an enhanced ability to detect threats in their environment and an increased capacity for improved memories specifically when identifying relevant aspects and cues in their environment that point toward danger. This ability surpassed that of their non-traumatized peers. As a result of their “training” in reading the emotional states of others and learning to anticipate incoming danger, high-functioning trauma survivors may be able to pinpoint subtle clues and warnings well ahead of time, especially in the toxic people they encounter. The type of trauma endured also matters: while a combat veteran may have to adapt or unpack triggers relevant to a war zone that are no longer suitable or as relevant at home, a domestic violence or sexual assault survivor may still have valuable “learned” cues of danger that can help her anticipate similar predators in the future. It’s important to process your traumas with a trauma-informed mental health professional and identify whether or not you are experiencing triggers from the past that are unrelated to the present or whether your brain and body remember significant signals of danger that can help you recognize red flags in the present and predict disaster in the future.

How a trauma survivor reacts in one situation may not be how they react in another. This can be due to the situation at hand and different “Inner Parts.”

Trauma survivors themselves may feel especially baffled by the fact that they react in disparate or contradictory ways even across similar situations. That is because trauma creates fragmentation and can result in many different “inner parts.” One inner part may represent the wounded child who experienced the earliest traumas, while another part may be a “fighter” and defender who defends itself against anyone who threatens it. In one situation, a trauma survivor might fight back or leave quickly while in another they might “fawn” and people-please or freeze. Each situation can bring out a different “inner part” and trauma response especially for the complex trauma survivor. Some trauma responses are also more suitable for certain situations – for example, a trauma survivor who usually fights back or flees may find themselves fawning when they encounter a specific predator who they fear retaliation from. This is a strategic survival mechanism and should not be judged. Trauma can also cause a disconnect among emotions, thoughts, memories, sensations, and images; that is why it can be so difficult to create coherent narratives about the traumatic experience until one processes it. Depending on the person and situation and your unique trauma history, you might find yourself reacting very differently across various circumstances.

People are not “perfect” victims when they’ve been traumatized. They won’t always say or do the right thing.

The brain has unique and beautiful mechanisms for surviving trauma, but none of them are perfect nor should trauma victims be expected to be perfect. The ways trauma affect our brains can be complex and nuanced and differ from person to person, but generally speaking, trauma can dampen the parts of our brain that deal with decision-making, learning, memory, reasoning, attention and focus while sending our fight-or-flight responses into overdrive (or alternatively, mobilizing differently through freezing). While early childhood trauma survivors can have certain enhancements in these aspects specifically when it comes to threat-related cues, these parts of their brain may still be affected when it comes to other contexts or situations and are generally affected in trauma survivors overall. Trauma survivors are human and fallible just like anyone else, no matter how high-functioning.  For example, you may have gone a few healthy years avoiding dangerous people. However, after enduring a painful traumatic or life-threatening experience, you may find yourself attached or trauma bonded to a dangerous manipulator shortly after because you sought out relationships as a source of comfort. Or you may have lashed out at bullies or abusers due to chronic maltreatment in ways society didn’t understand and shamed. If so, give yourself grace. You deserve your own compassion. Most of the people judging you likely wouldn’t have been able to deal with the same adversity you did without reacting similarly. You never deserved the trauma you went through, and you don’t deserve any judgment or shame from anyone who has not lived your story. 

Survival and healing don’t always look the way you think it should. Sometimes survival is enough.

It’s true that high-functioning trauma survivors can meet all the milestones of what is seen as a thriving healing journey: in fact, in some cases they can be “wired” to be successful because they’ve learned how to tackle challenge after challenge using their resourcefulness, creativity, and natural talents. Thriving can be defined in many different ways and be multifaceted. Healing can look different for everyone and is personal to every survivor. All trauma survivors should celebrate these milestones, strengths, and successes while also allowing themselves room for safe “play” and relaxation.  They can enjoy what they’ve achieved while also permitting themselves room to grow, make mistakes and also acknowledge their humanity. You are allowed to rest and experience the safety and innocence of a childhood you may not have experienced. You don’t have to do it all, even if you’ve exceeded your own expectations. Sometimes surviving is enough. You are enough.

As such, here are four concrete signs you have a fear of vulnerability.

1. You have major walls up.

You’re extremely closed off and have a very difficult time being open with others, especially emotionally. You constantly hold pieces of yourself back and never say how you truly feel. You make sure to never reveal too much about yourself because you don’t trust other people to hold what you say with care. After all, they haven’t before. Why would you risk getting hurt again?

2. You keep everyone at an arm’s length.

You do this because it just feels “safer.” But you have to admit, it gets pretty lonely, too. But no matter how close you may want to be with someone else, you just can’t get yourself to bridge the distance. It feels too scary and painful.

3. You’re a perfectionist.

You’re absolutely terrified of making mistakes. Not only that, you will do everything you can to be “perfect” because you think that this will keep you safe and secure. After all, someone can’t reject perfection, right?

4. You’re afraid of people leaving you behind.

Finally, if you have a fear of vulnerability, you also most likely struggle with abandonment issues as well. These abandonment issues may present in a number of different ways. For example, you may try to be the perfect friend (see point three). Or perhaps you always leave before you have the opportunity to be left, especially when you feel yourself starting to let your walls down.

***

Vulnerability is necessary for loving and sincere connection and relationships. To be vulnerable means to be open with your emotions, your heart, and yourself. To be alive is to be vulnerable. And if you hold yourself back from experiencing true vulnerability, you also prevent yourself from living your fullest and most authentic life.

The dark feminine is code for rebirth, female empowerment, shadow work, and owning your power. It is associated with dark feminine goddesses like Hecate and Lilith. Here are some powerful signs you’ve entered your dark feminine era:

You’ve tapped into your anger and shadow side strategically to heal and defend yourself. 

Society may have conditioned you to be demure, polite, and quiet, but when you’ve entered your dark feminine era, all bets are off. You’re no longer afraid of your anger and you’re not afraid to use it constructively to benefit yourself and your goals. You look at your suppressed emotions and traumas, even the ones society calls taboo, with compassion and understanding. You use it to motivate you toward achieving your greatest dreams. You give grace to your inner child and become everything that child ever needed—a protector, a defender, a fighter, an encourager. Being in touch with your sacred primal rage in response to injustice is just one step to owning your true power and setting the boundaries you deserved to have all along.

You’re an alchemist and turn everything into gold.

You’ve become a master manifester. That’s because by merging the light and dark sides of yourself, you’ve become more integrated and whole. As a result, you may find yourself achieving massive abundance. Entering your dark feminine era is all about transmutation. The most powerful women are the ones who use everything meant to destroy them to fuel their greatest victories. When you’re fully in your power, you’llget to have the decadent experience of watching the tables turn—even after a life of adversity.

Narcissists and other toxic people are now scared of you instead of the other way around. 

Narcissists and otherwise toxic people may seem hesitant to approach you because they sense you’d be too discerning and difficult to manipulate. When you’re in your dark feminine era, you’re inevitably intimidating to those who want to manipulate you into settling for less and those who want you to underestimate your worth. They sense your cutthroat confidence is deep and unwavering. In your dark feminine era, you prioritize yourself.

You’ve stopped being the “good girl.”People pleasing is a no-go.

When you’ve entered your dark feminine era, you begin honoring yourself as sacred. You recognize your own divinity and have no need to place others or their needs on a pedestal. Instead, you ensure that your boundaries and standards are air-tight and have reverence for yourself. You celebrate your good qualities and own your imperfections. You evaluate who is truly worthy of being in your life. You no longer wait for approval. You put yourself on the pedestal and approve of yourself.

You’re ruthless—in a good way.

Think Arya Stark from Game of Thrones energy—without all the literal bloodshed of course.You no longer hold back when it comes to pursuing your goals, dreams, mission—and justice. You’re not above being someone’s karma if it means they get a well-deserved lesson on how to treat others. As far as you’re concerned, you’re just balancing the scales of the universe and protecting the most vulnerable in society from harm.   

You are in control of your sexuality and harness it powerfully.

The dark feminine era is connected to the seductive femme fatale archetype we all know and love. But entering your dark feminine era means that you use your sexuality in a way that fully empowers you—not as a resource exploited by others. You make your own pleasure and safety a priority and harness your sexuality productively to create and connect with those who nurture you.  

You have detached from toxic relationships and friends.

You find yourself detaching from toxic people, friends, and family members who no longer serve your growth. These are the same envious friends and partners who have been holding you back all along and asking you to shrink for their convenience. Now you understand that you have every right to take up space.

You don’t tolerate bullshit—from anyone, no matter who they are.

You’re not afraid of being perceived as being selfish by toxic people and you’re willing to be alone if it means you get to honor yourself. You’re not afraid of challenging authority and social norms. You’re okay with being the “villain” in the true villain’s story because you find validation within. For you, it is more important to be faithful to yourself and your core values than to bend to a society or system that seeks to subdue you.  

You speak up for yourself and stand up to injustice.

You find yourself using your voice more than you ever did in the past. You now advocate for yourself in areas where you previously abandoned or neglected yourself and your needs. Whether or not the perpetrators of harm take accountability, you know your worth and you know you have the right to defend and protect yourself.  

You exude a confident and magnetic “royalty”energy.

A queen doesn’tsettle for less and the dark feminine era is no different. You are magnetic to amazing opportunities and people because you finally knowthat youalways have been andare completely worthy and enough. You fully embody and express yourself, celebrating your talents, gifts, accomplishments, inner and outer qualities without shame or regret. This is not hubris: it’s healthy pride. You’ve woken up to the truth of the true power you possess within you to create your reality and tone who you are on your own terms- and there’s no going back.

You feel like your current life chapter isn’t your own.

You’re working the job your parents wanted for you. You’re living in an apartment that doesn’t fit your style. And all the while, you’re deeply unsatisfied. It almost feels like you’re living someone else’s life.

You dream of something completely different.

As you commute back home from a long day on the job, you constantly daydream of something else. A different life with a different job. And underlying it all is a happiness that you’re not currently feeling in your life right now.

You no longer care about the security your current job gives you.

Security is often a huge motivation for staying with a job that you hate. Sure, you don’t like your job, but at least it makes you some decent money, right? The problem is that doesn’t hit the same as it used to. The security doesn’t matter. All you want now is change. You’d give up a bit of that security to be happier.

You’re sick of crying at work.

The marker of a truly terrible job is how often you’re crying while on the clock. You’ll excuse yourself to the bathroom so you can quietly weep in the stalls. Babe, no job is worth those tears. It’s time for a change.

You dream of just walking out one day and never returning.

And how sweet it would be. It’d be even better if you could get everyone to leave with you for the drama of a full walk-out. Maybe you should quit right now, rather than just keeping it a fantasy that gets you through the week.

No matter what you do, your job doesn’t make you feel fulfilled.

You hate feeling this way, so you’ve taken steps to make your current job better. Maybe you’ve gotten raises and promotions or moved to the same role in a different company hoping that it would get better. And still, you hate it. It might be time to admit that the problem isn’t the little things about your job, but your entire career as a whole.

The universe keeps showing you that this isn’t the job you should have.

When this article popped up, you weren’t surprised. The universe has been finding cute little ways to tell you that it’s time for a change. The next time someone mentions an opening at their company for the dream job you’ve always wanted, or your current boss starts hinting at upcoming layoffs, take it as a message from the universe and make the change you’ve been dreaming about.

1. You suppress your thoughts and emotions.

At its core, self-gaslighting is emotional and cognitive suppression. Self-gaslighting is pushing away your valid emotional experiences and interpretations. Here is how Healthline explains it:

For example, let’s say that someone says something insensitive or hurtful. You might notice that your feelings were hurt, but then — almost instantly and impulsively — you think: ‘I am probably just making too big a deal out of it and being too sensitive.‘

What’s ‘Self-Gaslighting’ and How Do I Unlearn It? by Rachel Otis on Healthline

This suppression then leads to you internalizing the belief that your own perception cannot be trusted. Which brings us to the next sign of self-gaslighting…

2. You internalize others’ mistreatment.

According to Psychology Today, self-gaslighting is “when we pick up the torch from the gaslighter.” For example, if someone constantly tells you that you are “being too sensitive” or that something is “all in you head,” eventually you adopt this narrative and believe it by saying things like: “I am being too sensitive” or “It’s all in my head.”

3. Whenever you find yourself in any conflict, you always blame yourself.

Finally, whenever you find yourself in any type of disagreement or conflict, you never look at it holistically. Rather, you blame the entire issue on yourself.

While it is absolutely important to acknowledge your own role in situations, constantly turning to self-blame for everything is detrimental to your self-trust and self-esteem. It is also what ultimately keeps the self-gaslighting cycle going.

***

Self-gaslighting can be difficult to overcome but it is certainly possible to heal. There are a variety of strategies such as self-validation, self-compassion, and more that can help you stop self-gaslighting for good.

Sure, it’s not that easy to get the things you want the most. There’s so much time, money, and hard work to invest in the process of getting the things you most desire. But hear me out.

I was 18 years old when I learned about the law of attraction and manifesting, thanks to Leeor Alexandra and her videos about manifestation and the law of attraction.

I did what she told me to do: I journaled, I wrote down my goals, I wrote letters to my future self, I did the 2 cup method, and meditated…a lot. And let me tell you, this works.

I don’t want say that you’ll be entirely happy with the way your life turns out, but if you take the time for yourself and work on your goals, you could potentially find some contentment with life. You just have to do something about it. If you need some motivation and inspiration, I am here to help…with Leeor. Tag team!

1. Write a letter to your future self.

Get yourself in a comfortable position. Maybe you’re wearing pajamas, in bed. Maybe there’s also a candle burning and your favorite song playing. Meditate a little – breathe in, breathe out. It is so important to get yourself feeling comfortable and good because your vibrations will be at their highest. Then, find a piece of paper and a pen (or a laptop or tablet, whichever you prefer!) and start writing.

Write the date as one year into the future – so if it’s March 19th 2019, write it as March 19th 2020. Then, start writing.

Write, as your future self addressing your past self (which, is really your present self) and talk about everything you have and everything you’re grateful for. 

I’ve done this once before, and it’s honestly scary how much has come true. At the beginning of 2018, I wrote that I wanted to be a writer in New York City, living in my dream apartment, and in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects me, loves me, and understands my love language. Now, in 2019, I’m a writer in New York City, living in my dream apartment, and in a happy relationship with myself…and still waiting for my dream man. Though not everything is true (yet!), it still happened for me. It works. 

2. Rewrite your limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs are statements that we have decided are factual, based on what we’ve been programed to believe: from media, our childhood, etc. It dictates our behavior and how we manifest (or don’t manifest) the things in our life.

First and foremost: sit down with yourself and be a bit introspective. What are your beliefs? Is money too hard to obtain? Do you believe that you’re not going to find love because you’re not good enough?

Write down your limiting beliefs and change your relationship with these beliefs. 

In other words, rewrite them. Write down the beliefs: money is easy to get, I am loved and I am good enough and I am capable of finding love.

I’ve done this many times before, because this is something that I struggle with (I doubt myself a lot and I question whether or not I’m good enough for love) and it’s slowly becoming an easier thing for me to do. I write: “I am so happy and grateful now that…” and write down my beliefs. For example: “I am so happy and grateful now that money is flowing in and that I am so desirable and so deserving of love.”

I am so happy and grateful, I am so happy and grateful, I am so happy and grateful…

3. The Two Cup Method.

Get two cups and a couple of sticky notes. The cup on the left is your current reality and the cup on your right is your desired reality.

With a sticky note, write down whatever is making you feel so low. For example, “I feel undesired and unloved and that’s probably why I’m single,” or “I don’t have an income,” or “I’m not able to travel for reasons x,y,z,” – and place it on the cup on the left. Then, fill the cup on the left with water.

With another sticky note, write down what you want, in relation to whatever is on the left. For example, write down “I am desired and loved and in a happy, healthy relationship,” or “I have a steady income!” or “I’m traveling so much!”

Sit with these cups in front of you. Think about how the reality on the left side makes you feel. Think about how you’ll feel when the reality on the right side manifests itself. Amazing, right!? 

Pour the water from the left cup into the right cup. Think about those good feelings. Then, drink the water from the right cup.

Writing down your goals will make your dreams a reality, but you have to have faith in that.

Believe me, I know how hard that it is. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression and I know how it can make you feel unmotivated and undeserving of the things you want. For me, that’s what made me want to keep going. I wanted something better for myself and I worked towards making that happen, despite all the negative feelings and thoughts I fought against.

You have to visualize what you want. You have believe you’re deserving of it. You have to have faith in that these good things will happen for you.

Remember: your thoughts become things.

1. Just having a job of any kind is already a huge victory. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting a “better” job, or one that pays more, or one that sounds cooler, but you can’t lose sight of important it is to have a job at all.

2. Being self-conscious about money is the silliest thing you could do in our generation. If you have debt, you don’t need to be embarrassed about it. You just have to work hard to make the best of your situation, and be honest with your budget. There is no shame in saying “I can’t go out this week, trying to save money.”

3. Never judge anyone else about the kind of job they’re working, or the lifestyle they are living. It’s a hard battle for everyone.

4. You’re probably going to get broken up with, and have to break up with someone. Both of them are going to be horrible in their own way, but it’s important to remember how terrible it can feel on both sides, so you’ll be kinder next time.

5. It’s always a good time to call your parents.

6. A new purse might look nice, or a better apartment might be more comfortable, but nothing should come before health insurance.

7. When your friends are having a special moment and sharing it on Facebook, always take a moment to show your support and excitement for them. You may think it’s cheesy to collect 400 “likes” for a picture of an engagement ring, but that’s someone’s special day, and it doesn’t make you any happier to not be happy for them.

8. Some people around you are going to get married in their early 20s and everyone will have something snarky to say about it. But always try to err on the side of believing in love, because even if they do end up divorcing because they got together too young, would you really feel better saying “I told you so?”

9. The sooner you realize there is no real “too young” or “too old,” and only “the right time for that person,” the happier you’ll be.

10. You aren’t required to be friends with anyone. This isn’t middle school where you’re in constant proximity to them and need to put on a good face — if someone is hurting you, you can cut them out as a friend for your own mental health. And that doesn’t make you a bad person.

11. That said, we often attribute to malice what was just ignorance. Give people a chance to explain themselves and apologize, because jumping to conclusions can make us miss out on great people.

12. “Staying friends with an ex” is one of those “I’m a grown up, look at how mature I am” ideals that rarely works in practice. If you can’t be friends with an ex, that’s totally legitimate, and it doesn’t make you immature.

13. Deleting someone on Facebook can seem so final and aggressive, but often it’s the best thing you can do for your healing process.

14. If you have money to go out to bars, get takeout, or buy new clothes, you have money that you could be saving for travel. If traveling is important to you, you have to prioritize it, and that means financially.

15. Being on social media will always be a double-edged sword — you get to stay in touch with people you love, but are too informed about their lives, blah blah blah. But ultimately you get to choose what you share and what you keep secret. No one is forcing you to log on or to post multiple times a day.

16. What happens online is permanent, but that’s true for everyone, and one picture of you drinking on Facebook is not the end of your career.

17. Drinking is the most expensive activity in the world, and among the least rewarding. If you’re going to go out, get to know the good deals in your area, or at least have a drink or two at home before going out. There is no feeling worse than waking up with a hangover and 100 dollars magically missing from your bank account.

18. Asking for help is not the end of the world, from parents or friends or partners. But always be grateful, and always try to help when someone else needs something.

19. If you’re ever uncomfortable or anxious at a party, you can leave. Saying you don’t feel well and need to go home is a thousand times better than pretending to enjoy yourself and having a terrible time. Leaving is always an option.

20. Take care of your body. It’s not about what you look like, it’s not about what you weigh, but it’s about how tired you get just living a normal life and doing basic physical activity. You can be 120 pounds and still get winded going up two flights of stairs — and only you know if this is really true.

21. Drink lots of water, especially if you have bad skin, but just in general. Water is your best friend, along with health insurance, a good trench coat, and discretion on social media. But mostly water.

Maybe nobody noticed. Maybe your small stretches of the truth that you were “busy” actually fooled your friends. Now that you’re working your way back out of the hole, slowing reaching towards the surface, there are some things that you are doing that people may not realize are because you are recovering from this depressive episode.

1. Your sleep patterns are different than normal.

You’ve had your “adult” sleep schedule down to a science for years, always going to bed around 8:30 PM and waking up around 5:30 AM. You hit a wall about two weeks ago, though, and started spending lots of extra time in the bed, attempting to shut the world out for just a few hours longer. Unfortunately, even now that you are starting to feel “better,” it still takes a while to synchronize. You may become overwhelmed during the day and take a nap, but that leaves you feeling energized and staying up late. If nobody realized you were depressed, though, they won’t notice your weird sleep patterns that go on for weeks, right? (Although they might question why you are suddenly posting on Instagram at 1:00am…)

2. You’ve suddenly become very sentimental.

You suddenly find yourself reaching out to your friends, craving their attention after isolating yourself for a few weeks. It might be something as simple as texting them every day just to “check in,” or sending them a lengthy letter and random care package “just because.” You might even be overly physically affectionate, giving even more hugs and asking for cuddles at random times. Everyone may think you are just being extra loving, but you know the reality is that you are thankful you didn’t lose those that you love and want to make sure they know how much they mean to you in case next time you don’t make it out of the low.

3. You find yourself getting easily overwhelmed or emotional.

You might not have completely stabilized yet, so your moods are still in a state of flux, and the scales can be tipped with the simplest of events. Things may make you cry more than normal, or you may suddenly “need a moment” to calm yourself if you start to feel angry or anxious. You seem thrown off by sudden or loud noises, an overload of information to process takes even longer than usual, and making a simple mistake can start you down the spiral. Nobody sees this but you.

4. Your appetite is all over the place.

One day you may eat everything in sight, then you later spend the next two days living off almost nothing. You get excited at the look of a meal, then take a bite and decide you can’t finish. That’s kind of how the world is for several days when you come out of a very low phase: colors are still dulled, smells are less intense, everything seems to be turned down several notches more than normal.

5. You start spamming social media with motivational shit.

You are usually a very open person. When you get low, it shows, especially with my social media posts. As you try to get back to a place of normalcy, you look to affirmations, motivational quotes, or any small reminders that you think will keep me moving upward. You then become so enamored with these positive posts that you tend to share them daily for at least a week. Everyone sees it as your usual way of looking out for everyone else and taking care of those around you; nobody realizes that all the motivational posts are really just for you.

6. You avoid being alone.

Being alone tends to always be dangerous for you, especially as you recover from a depressive episode. You avoid telling people, “It’s not safe for me to be by myself,” but you make a very conscious effort to either have people physically near you or reach out electronically when you know you’ll be physically alone for an amount of time. People serve both as a distraction and as a safety net, so people are important to have nearby as you work hard to improve.

7. You listen to music constantly.

One of the best ways to regulate and try to control emotions is through music. You were told to use music to help you stay mindful, to stay energized, to stay active. Pop & dance music from the 1990s-2010s are where it’s at if you want to feel happy and pumped up, so people will hear you blasting JT or Ke$ha and just think you are in a particularly good mood or feeling like kicking it “old school.”

8. You buy something new, even if you don’t really need it.

Retail therapy is real, and you take full advantage. Even just window shopping gets you out of the house, and a new outfit is just what you need to feel beautiful and love yourself again after this storm of depression. Everyone else just thinks you are wanting to feel sexy and they don’t suspect a thing.

9. You look for something to “get into.

Your therapist said the best way to stay positive is to stay in the present and “out of your thoughts.” This means trying to stay busy. Picking up a new hobby, starting a new routine, or even just picking back up a craft you lost interest in while depressed can help. Your friends don’t seem to think anything of it because you are always the one who is trying new things and dragging them along.

10. You clean something.

You pride yourself on being organized, but that goes out the window as soon as you start to sink into a depression. You avoid anything that will overwhelm you, and your energy is so low that even a simple task like loading the dishwasher requires a break after you finish. Once you start to feel better, though, the messes you’ve let pile up enrage you and they must go. You don’t even want people to know there was a mess in the first place, because that would be embarrassing.

Depression can hit anyone at any time. While there can be some typical symptoms, the way that depression looks on everyone can be very different. This means that the behavioral “signs” of recovery can also vary greatly. These 10 items are all very small actions or signs, and they may seem like normal things that most people do and go mostly unnoticed. Self-awareness is important, though, so if you suffer from depression, it might be good to think about the ways that depression and the climb back out will look on you. Knowing these small details can make a difference in your life and even help those around you begin to recognize what you need a little easier.

Your hands feel foreign, your stomach twisted, your heart weighed down. You are unsure of your next step, dizzy and suddenly terrified to stand back up again.

But this is what you do when you are broken. You pick yourself up, piece by piece. You re-learn the strongest parts of yourself and fight until you break through. You drag yourself forward until your limbs can hold your weight, then you learn to stand up, to walk, to smile again.

You hold yourself together with threads, you distract yourself with things and people that occupy your mind and fill the space around you. You walk, you run, you settle into the rhythm of pounding feet on concrete. You comfort yourself with words and soft blankets and laughter until it no longer feels like you’re pretending.

You may be broken right now, but it will get better.
You may be broken right now, but you are not weak.

You are never weak. Your head has forgotten its capacity to love, to forgive, to hold memories.

Your body has forgotten how to push forward. But you are not this fragile creature that needs to be sheltered, protected, held within a closed fist.

You are not weak. The strongest parts of you are hiding just below the surface, giving you a moment to process. Recharging. The strongest parts of you are building, aligning, bubbling underneath your skin. Waiting for you to believe in them, to set them free.

You are not weak. You do not need to be taken care of. You do not need pity, or gentleness, or someone to carry you, or to hold your hand. You have the strength to stand on your own, the confidence to rebuild, the passion to continue, and the love to forgive.

Though the world may be pulling you down today, though you can’t lift the shadow from your eyes, though you are scared of the future, though you are broken, you are not weak.

So close your eyes, take a deep breath, and silently remind yourself of the person you are, of your incredible strength, and begin to piece yourself together again.